mia loves henry miller – Letter 28 – Mr. California Man, A Glance at the Past: Tainted Love

mia loves henry miller

Letter 28 – Mr. California Man, A Glance at the Past: Tainted Love

1/17/12- 9:15 a.m.

“In the end you have to come back to yourself. It has got to be you doing something whatever you decide upon.  Do what you think you have to do and don’t try to follow somebody else’s pattern because he was successful. You can’t be that way.  You are you. You’re absolutely unique and each one has his own destiny. We can learn as much as we wish, listen to the greatest masters and so on, but what we do, what we become, is determined by our character.  It is impossible to transmute the bad into the good, the wrong into the right. There is always this possibility.  It would be an utterly uninteresting world if everything remained what it seemed to be. I do believe in transmutation. For example, two men are put in prison. One man is utterly despairing; if released he may commit murder again.  The other man goes through some inner change and comes out a new man.” –Henry Miller, My Life and Times

Dear Henry Miller,

If we are wise, fortunate, and strong willed enough, we leave our past in the past and move forward in life.  But, sometimes I need to take a glance back to the past to realize how far I’ve come. I feel the need to venture to the past and tell you about an important event in my life – two, amazing, yet, emotionally confusing weeks, that changed everything for me and the path that I walk upon today.

It was around this time of year, fifteen years ago.  I had been conversing with a man via emails, phone and chatting with him online, for about two months.  I was still married to my first husband, Mr. D.A.  We had married young – I had just turned nineteen years old.  We were now approaching our ten year wedding anniversary.  My children were very young at this time.  My first husband and I fought all the time, which was very unhealthy for me and for the kids to witness or to be around.  I didn’t realize how unhappy I was in this marriage, until I left, to visit this gentleman in California, who I will name Mr. California Man.  He told me he could help me sell the mystery, detective novel I was working on.  I was young, naïve and desperate enough for success – so I believed that he could help me.  Sometimes weird things happen, which turn out to be the best things in my life. Continue reading

mia loves henry miller – Letter 27 – Lesson in Trust with Mr. C

mia loves henry miller

Letter 27  Lesson in Trust with Mr. C

“Sure, what’s wrong with being mothered? I spoke of this in a piece I did about love a while back (MLLE, January, 1964) What’s a woman’s value, if it isn’t a force tying men to life, inspiring them to be vital and creative, soothing them when they came home, as they often do,  with their tails between their legs?  There’s something ridiculous about the way so many pompous men regard woman as helpless things who need protection from the world.  A real woman needs no protection.  She doesn’t live in a man’s shadow.  She turns on the light.  And having such an all-women women can make a life or death difference in the way a man lives.” –Henry Miller, Conversations with Henry Miller, Edited by Frank L. Kersnowski and Alice Hughes

1/16/12 – 9:41 a.m.

Dear Henry Miller,

Good Morning!

This weird fluctuating weather in Minnesota fucks me up.  It was freezing cold on Friday and warm again on Sunday, feeling like spring time. I’ve had a bad headache most of this weekend.  I feel fatigued from fighting the pain. But, I wanted to write, to hopefully forget about the agony from the headache that still remains in my skull like bruising, deep echo.

I was going through some of my old poetry, journals and notes on my computer, this past weekend, discovering new topics to write to you.  I found an old diary entry and want to share a salacious memory with you – one that remains fresh in my memory, as if it happened just yesterday.

“Henry glowed. When I said that I had to go, after we talked a long time, Henry took me into his room and began kissing me, and with Fred so very near, Fred the aristocrat and sensitive man, probably hurt. “I can’t let you go,” says Henry. “We’ll close the door.”  I gave myself to that moment with frenzy.” –Anais Nin, Henry and June Diary, 1931 to 1932

This erotic experience happened more than a decade ago, when Mr. C and I were first married, living at the five bedroom farm house, just outside of the suburbs.  It was in the summer – a very hot and humid day.  We didn’t have an air conditioner, but somehow we made it through, escaping the misery of the summer heat for several hours. Continue reading

mia loves henry miller – Letter 26 – Beauty in the Bathtub and an Erotic Thursday Night with Mr. B

mia loves henry miller

Letter 26 – Beauty in the Bathtub and an Erotic Thursday Night with Mr. B

“I’m dropping with fatigue.  Tomorrow I’ll wake up a new man.” —Henry Miller, A Literate Passion, Letter to Anais, Monday Night, November 18, 1932 – Clichy 

1/12/12- 5:57 p.m.

Mr. B will arrive shortly.  I just got out of the bath. I’m typing to you, sitting on my living room couch, in a thick towel that has just now, fallen down around my waist, exposing my bare upper body.  There is water from my wet hair dripping down upon my exposed breasts and smooth, naked skin.  I wanted to start this letter as I rested for a few minutes, before having to get dressed. The heat from the very hot, bath water made me feel dizzy and light headed.

1/12/12 – 6:05p.m.

Mr. B just called, said he was running late.  He’d been working diligently all day, revising several chapters of his new book.  He gets sucked into the zone so deeply – generally losing all track of time. I’m delighted to have more time to write to you and hopefully get the opportunity to read a little bit more of Anne Rice’s book, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, which I had been reading in the bathtub.  Anne’s words are like an aphrodisiac to me.  She makes me so wet!  I’m looking forward to Mr. B spending another night, even though I am a bit sore from last night’s playtime – I’m still aching with desire! Continue reading