Mia Loves Henry Miller – My Mary Godmother, Mistress Jeaninstein, Shegor, and Halloween Skits at Ground Zero Nightclub in NE Minneapolis

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(These letters are in raw – rough draft format – please pardon errors…Oh well ;)…thanks for being a patient supporter if you don’t really give a shit… enjoy the read. I’m getting ready to release my first 15 letters in sequence. Many are letters that have never been published online. I hope to publish near the end of January 2017 – Thank you again for your support – Mia)

 

 

10/29/16

 

Dear Henry-

People living deeply have no fear of death.- Anais Nin

 

There are two seasons in Minnesota which I generally enjoy – the spring and the autumn season.   What’s ironic about these two seasons is that the temperature outside does tricks with a Minnesotan brain. When it is spring and 50 degrees outside, we wear spring coats, shorts and t-shirts, relishing in the warmth. When it is autumn and 50 degrees out, we put on our winter coats – shivering from being so cold.

I enjoy observing new life bloom in the spring – witnessing all of the vibrant, new colors blanketing the thawing earth as if it were a painting that is coming alive.  In the fall, the ground and trees appear as if they are on fire, blazing with orange, yellow and reds, right before death – when the sadistic, winter blankets our state with thick sheets of frozen, white snow.

Indian Summer

The earth is dying while I witness

Leaves falling from the trees

The Northwinds kiss the southern

Which chills my trembling knees

The October wind is howling

The Universe closes begins to close its eyes

Until the sun starts to beam again

For Indian Summer’s on the rise

The Earth re-awakens

Yet, only for awhile

The sun offers its last rays of warmth

In gratitude I smile

The bees are buzzin’ before the winter

The flowers bloom one last time

Before the northwinds kiss again the southern

And the sun no longer shines. – Mia Malone-Jennings – Whispers of Gold

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday – before I decided that dressing up, pretending to be anyone I want for one day is over rated. I want to dress up on any day of the year, and be who ever I wish to be.  I want to grow up to be much like the fashion icon – Iris Apfel.  I bet that I sound like Mrs. Curmudgeon…right?  I actually stopped celebrating Halloween when I stopped being a Go-Go Dancer at Ground Zero Nightclub in NE Minneapolis, and a Burlesque Performer/Show Producer.  It’s been numerous years after my departure and I still haven’t really felt like celebrating one of the best American holidays of the year.

I recall the years when I couldn’t wait for Halloween to arrive.  My dearest friend – who I nickname my Mary Godmother owns a costume store in a suburb of Minneapolis, where I love to spend any extra cash and time.  I would pick out my costume at the costume shop usually in July when the Halloween shipments first come into the store and put my elaborate costume on the layaway plan.  My first costume was a white and gold, Greek Goddess gown.  It took me five weeks to pay for it – paying a sum of 25 dollars each installment.

I call the store owner my Mary Godmother because she has supplied me with the most gorgeous Go- Go and burlesque costumes for over a decade – making me always feel like Miarella.  Some girls only dream of having a Fairy Godmother.  I’ve had the real deal.  This woman has been a mother figure to me.  She is my mentor and one of my dearest friends. I can count on this female friendship to always last.  My Mary Godmother is always there for me, never judging how I live my life.  She is there for me- always. I am lucky for have such a wonderful person in my life.  I will write more about her later.

I wore my Greek Goddess costume on the evening I performed in my very first Ground Zero Halloween Skit at Ground Zero Nightclub in NE Minneapolis.  There are two notorious Gothic nightclubs in Minneapolis – First Avenue Nightclub and Ground Zero Nightclub.  I’ve performed at both and love them dearly.  I have a fondness for Ground Zero. It’s my home, where I loved to dance and perform as a submissive. My name’s even immortalized on their nightclub wall and in the dressing room.  However, First Avenue is where I got my start in fashion design (upcycling clothing) and Dr. Farrago’s Burlesque Theater.

Back in the day, GZ was notorious for their Halloween Extravaganza’s and the skits produced by the owner, MW.  I had been performing as a Bondage A-Go – Go Dancer for at least two years. I believe this is the very first skit I performed in and I was so fucking nervous.  It felt as if a dozen bats were set loose in the pits of my bowels, fluttering their creepy wings deep inside my lower belly.  My anxiety rose like vomit up my stomach and esophagus, but I swallowed it down as I read the intricate, short, skit that the owner wrote.  I was not good at recalling the exact details of the skit in a very short amount of time. I had about 20 minutes to digest it. I feared that I would disappoint everyone because I had one of the main characters – Shegor.  I was re-creating Mistress Jeanenstein.

I’m going to try to recall the precise sequence of events during this gruesome, electrifying Halloween skit. It’s been a very long time since I performed it onstage. I remember how my heart raced so fast – my thoughts whirled inside my brain, nervously attempting to memorize the order of the script I was reading during rehearsal.  The stage looked eerie and amazing.  An evil genius named Sparky and the owner designed the set – appearing as if a dark and creepy laboratory.  There was even an electrifying Jacob’s Ladder – created by Sparky, and a medical gurney with a tray of gruesome, female, body parts made of rubber behind a white screen.

An hour prior to Ground Zero’s doors opening for patrons, permitting them to enter the nightclub’s big Halloween extravaganza, we rehearsed the skit.  As we ended it in rehearsal, and I was pretending to do naughty things to Mistress Jeaninstein –  the bra she wore pierced through my cheek, causing real blood to drip down my body and onto the stage floor.   Her bra wasn’t any ordinary bra. It had been made for MJ by a person who welded it for her. It was made of iron. Each cup had several points which were very sharp.  MJ’s bra appeared gorgeous but was dangerous if anyone got too close to it.

On very special nights at Ground Zero, such as Halloween, New Years, and the infamous Rubber Balls, the DJ always played the very best of Electronic Dance Music.  I was always the first performer to begin dancing on the catwalk, or stair landing and the last one to finish at the end of the night.  I had passion, a creative soul and stamina.  I lived breathed and dreamed of music and dancing.  On nights like Halloween, I fed off the high energy of the crowds like a vampire does on blood – especially when these patrons were just as excited about Halloween as I was, cloaked in the most creative costumes.  The people who attended Ground Zero on Halloween loved the holiday as much as I did. They didn’t give a shit about a costume contest – as long as they could dress up. GZ never hosted any Halloween costume contests when I performed at this nightclub as a Bondage A-Go-Go Dancer.  People arrived dressed in the most wicked, creative costumes – arriving for the dancing and to see the midnight stage show, which was always spectacular.

It was most likely near midnight when I finished performing with MJ as her submissive upstairs in the loft. I scurried down the steps in a pair of black, thong panties and black, electrical tape covering my large, round, brownish-pink nipples. My ass was flaming red from the spankings I had just received.  It kept my body warm and my blood tingling with a mad rush of endorphins.  I felt high on pure adrenaline.

“It’s time to get ready for the skit,” I heard someone tell me when I entered the dressing room which was scattered with numerous duffle bags and little suitcases which carried their costumes for the night, an array of cosmetics bags, boxes, stage make up, fake blood, curling irons, hot curlers, and cheap plastic glasses that were partially filled of alcoholic drinks.

“Shit!” I exclaimed to MJ as I put on some small, black, fancy lingerie, a corset, and a white lab coat.  “What if I don’t recall the exact sequence of how to put you back together again?”

“Don’t worry,” MJ responded wearing a small pair of black, thong panties, with an overlay of pointed metal panties,  as well as the beautifully welded bra and panties a patron of the club had made for her, months prior.  I feared her bra because the side of my cheek still throbbed from where it had pierced through it during rehearsal.  “I’ll be behind the screen.  If you forget, just ask me.  Just go with the flow. You’ll figure out what to do.  I always do.”

“Who is this Shegor character anyways? “ I was so nervous and full of apprehension that I pronounced Shegor as Shygor inside my head during rehearsal.  I had no clue I was playing the female equivalent to Egor – the mad scientist’s assistant.  This could’ve ruined the entire skit.  But, because I didn’t know, I added my own style to this version of Shegor.  I was supposed to wear my hair all messy and perform with a bad limp.  I couldn’t afford wigs at the time and my hair was too thick to put under it.  My hair was too dense to keep it appearing messed up with hairspray.  Back then, I had the Bettie Page hairstyle.  I didn’t know that I was the equivalent to Egor, hence no bad limp either – just sexy hip bumping, hip grinding and hip gyrating.  It was so much fun! (There are times when I’m grateful to be an idiot savant)

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“Art teaches nothing, except for the significance in life.”—Henry Miller

When the curtain went up at midnight and the naughty, eerie, sexy skit started, everything became a dreamy blur.  I was so nervous I wanted to puke on stage.  But, soon, Shegor became my own creation.  I was grateful that I was too busy to stop to get something to eat on the way to GZ. I wasn’t going to puke a hamburger and fries all over the stage.  That would’ve been disgusting.

On stage there was a gruesome table full of rubberized, female body parts, soaked in fake blood.  I pretended I was evil and very interested in each piece.  I started with the hands and feet, strutted and dancing naughtily, until it was time to take them back behind the screen.  MJ’s body was silhouetted by dim light behind the large white screen. The borders facing the audience flickered with electric lights. The patrons can visually see me piecing this gorgeous creature together again behind the screen.  When it came time to put Mistress Jeaninstein’s va-jay-jay back inside of MJ – I strutted on stage sexily, before creeping behind the screen, teasing all the girls who plastered their bodies against the stage.  They stared at me with starry eyes when I demonstrated how my fingers would tease and taunt a pretty pussy like the eerie, bloody one I was handling.   I believe that was my favorite part of the skit.  I love to make others feel something when I’m dancing on stage, in a cage, or high on a catwalk.  I love to make others feel something when I’m creating art, sewing, sculpting, writing, or performing on stage.  It’s a large rush for me. It’s the reason I am an artist.  I definitely didn’t do it for the money.

No one had any clue that MJ had been talking to me behind the silhouetted screen, telling me which order the body parts go into her.  I had never acted on stage before, nor given a complex script which I had to memorize in about fifteen minutes.  I was pretty much performing with an impromptu spirit – going with the flow when I forgot how the script went. The Halloween skits each year, only lasted approximately ten minutes, so I didn’t have a lot to recall.  However, to me those ten panicked moments felt like an hour.  However, once I found my zone – abandoning every my sense of my nervousness, I discovered my theatrical flow and went with it. Once I did, time flew past quickly.

Soon, Mistress Jeanenstein had been recreated.  Shegor beamed with pride when she led her new, lovely creation out from behind the screen.  Moments later – Shegor and her monster were lasciviously bonding on stage.  This time, no one’s cheek was pierced by the monster’s pointing, metal bra.

The curtain comes down – lights go dark – dance music begins to play- end of skit.

I must admit that it was the skits that interested me the most at Ground Zero Nightclub.  I arrived as a Dancer/submissive when the GZ players performed a skit every Thursday night.  I adore dancing.  Yet, it was the naughty skits produced on stage that made me a dedicated performer for so many years. It took two years of dedicated Go-Go dancing and being a performance submissive, much like the character, Mimi, in the infamous book by Steig Larson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, to get to perform in my very first skit.  If I hadn’t befriended the notorious Jean Bardot, I do not think my time at GZ would’ve been so eventful.

I wish I could go back in time – stop it for a decade – when I could remain in my 30’s forever.   If you are a young woman reading this – live your thirties well.  Make the memories last forever.

Actually we are a vulgar, pushing mob whose passions are easily mobilized by demagogues, newspaper men, religious quacks, agitators and such like. To call this a society of free peoples is blasphemous. What have we to offer the world besides the superabundant loot which we recklessly plunder from the earth under the maniacal delusion that this insane activity represents progress and enlightenment? —Henry Miller

 

 

 

Mia Loves Henry Miller – Letter 52 – A New Path in Life, Wedding Anniversaries, and Wonderful Memories

Mia Loves Henry Miller – Letter 52 –  A New Path in Life, Wedding Anniversaries, and Wonderful Memories

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                                 Photo of Me and my monkey named after Henry Miller doing a kinky, burlesque number

Dear Henry,

My grandchildren are fabulous and funny. – Erica Jong

My life has drastically changed ever since my granddaughter’s father passed away on Mother’s Day, 2013.  My husband and I now have Little Miss M in our custody.  Sometimes she is pure joy and other times she is full of mess and mischief.  She is at daycare today.  I finally have the time to write to you without any interruptions.  Over the past five months, my life has been turned upside down.  I never thought that I would be a guardian of a cute, charismatic toddler at my age.  I don’t get the time to do the things that make me truly happy, like writing on a regular basis, re-editing my first fifty letters to you, or painting at my nice, quiet artist loft in the cities, which I no longer have.  However, I cannot imagine my life without Little Miss M, even though she can drive me nuts with her constant alien chatter, her cute yet mischievous ways, and her continuous movement.  She also showers me with so much love and affection. It melts my heart and turns me into Mia Mush. Little Miss M kisses me until my breath is completely depleted.  She makes me laugh even when I want to cry with frustration, because she is so adorable and charismatic.  I watch her with joy and amusement.  She does such silly things like dance, whenever she hears music.  She’s very entertaining, with a natural rhythm born in her soul.

Last night, an hour before our bed time, I was in the kitchen.  Little Miss M and Mr. C were in the living room watching cartoons.  I am getting sick of Curious George.  I will scream with madness if I have to watch another episode on Netflix.

“Are you pooping?” I heard my husband ask Little Miss M, as I peered into our living room and observed Little Miss M squatting in the corner where her toys are located.

“Go away,” Little Miss M ordered my husband, waving her tiny hand at him with annoyance.

“Are you pooping?” He asked again, as I wiped the kitchen counter top clean.  I smirk with delight for a brief second and squish my noise up in disgust, knowing that I am going to have to change her diaper soon.

“I’m bine (fine),” Little Miss M demands, in her own, unrefined, toddler language. “Top (stop) it Bampa (grandpa),” She yells in irritation to Mr. C, once again waving her tiny hand at him.

“Are you pooping?” My husband asks again, peering over the rim his glasses, unable to conceal the smirk of beguilement on his distinguished face.

“Go away,” Little Miss M insists again, shaking her head from side to side, her honey blonde wave of curls swishes from side to side. “No, I’m bine (fine).  I’m not pooping,” even though she was.  Over the past several months we have come to learn well when Little Miss M is pooping.

“Come here, Little Miss Poopy Pants,” I demanded after entering the living room, strutting in Little Miss M’s direction, gulping down a lump of repugnance.  I was not looking forward to changing another shitty diaper.

“I cannot wait until she is fully potty trained.” I muttered softly to myself.  We have been working on potty training Little Miss M for several months.

“No, I’m bine (fine). I’m bine,” Little Miss M insists that her diaper is not full of smelly, stinky poop as I swoop her up in my arms and sniff at her butt like a mother dog.

“Yes, you were pooping,” I reply, attempting not to giggle. “Let’s go change your diaper.  How come you did not tell me you needed to use the potty?” I ask, grinning largely, tickling Little Miss M’s belly.

“I’m bine. I’m bine.” She repeats, giggling loudly as I carry her off to the bedroom to change her dirty, smelly diaper.  Little Miss M cannot stand the smell of her own shit.  I always laugh when she gags profoundly when I am changing one of her dirty diapers.  It gives me a little bit of satisfaction for having to do such a gross job.  I should be gagging more than her, because I am downwind when I am changing Little Miss M’s diaper.

“I will not change poopy diapers,” Mr. C seriously stated a few days after Little Miss M came to live with us.

“Pussy,” I thought inside my head, knowing that the dirty jobs like puking or pooping would always be my responsibility.

Most of my days are spent with Little Miss M.  I am forever chasing after her, screaming or chanting the word, “no,” as she discovers the cardboard box containing my Bristol Paper, Sharpie pens/markers and Prisma Color Markers, which I use to create art, or when she feeds her cupcakes to the dogs, or pulls them tortuously around the living room by their collars.  Sometimes, it is not until hours afterwards when I bust my gut laughing at all the naughty things Little Miss Mel has done during our days together.

Most often, on the weekends, Mr. C and I take Little Miss Mel on an adventure.  Sometimes it is the zoo, sometimes it is walking around the Minneapolis Lakes, sometimes it is driving to Duluth for Russ Kendall’s Smoked Fish, and one of Betty’s delicious Pies. Sometimes we visit the nearby park or go to the Mall of America.  We took Little Miss M to the Minnesota State Fair this past August.  It was fun to watch her enjoy some of the foods, like the deep fried cheese curds and pronto pups covered with large blobs of ketchup.  Mr. C and I also love to observe people.  My husband is a private detective and I have always been a writer, so observing others is something that we both enjoy doing together, ever since we first met.  On the day we visited the Minnesota State Fair, the weather was extremely hot and humid, walking through thick crowds and observing extremely thick people shoveling fried food into their mouths, as if they had not eaten for days.

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I love it when funny or peculiar events occur that stain the memories of that moment in time, inside my brain. An hour after we arrived at the State Fair, Mr. C, Little Miss M and I took retreat in the shade to rest for a bit. We walked past a very frustrated father and his two, naughty boys. The boys had been buckled into a large, double stroller designed to fit two children, until one of them escaped.  His name was Archer.  As Archer was running as fast as he could, away from his father and his brother who was still buckled into the stroller, I could hear his father yell, “Archer, get back here.”  The other brother had very light blond hair and wore black rimmed glasses, reminding me of the boy, Ralphie, from the classic movie, A Christmas Story, as he cheered Archer on. “Run Archer Run! Faster! Faster!”  Soon, Archer was running even faster as his father chased after him. The chase ceased when the father heard his other son cheer Archer on.  Suddenly he stopped and turned around, huffing and puffing. His face glowed red with frustration. The father was fuming with anger, stomping his feet in long, hurried strides towards the smirking boy in the over sized stroller.

The blonde boy with the black rimmed glasses immediately knew that he was in trouble.  His pernicious smirk quickly fades when his father approaches the stroller, yelling and shaking the blonde boy with the black rimmed glasses. I thought to myself as I observed from a distance, “Now, that is a parent who does not sugar coat his discipline with calm, nauseating words. He is definitely old school.  I also wondered why he did not continue to chase Archer who was now swallowed up by the large, flowing crowd.  Where was Archer’s mother?”

Before the father could loosen his grip on his mouthy child to scurry himself back into the crowd to find Archer, we hear frantic, female screams, who we assumed was Archer’s mother, slicing through the thick crowd of people, and hot humid air.  Her screams quickly escalated higher, transcending into a frantic pitch.  “Archer! Archer! ARCHER! ARCHER!”

Mr. C and I turned our heads to look at one another. Our eyebrows are raised with disbelief at the family fiasco we observed. Our mouths were shaped like surprised little O’s. Eventually, Archer was found. We witnessed his mother tugging hard upon Archer’s ear, escorting her son back to the double seated stroller. Eventually Archer was buckled alongside his brother in the double stroller and his family disappeared into the flowing sea of people.

Mr. C pushed Little Miss M in her pink stroller, after our rest in the shade. We slowly made our way through the crowd of slow walking people.  I was shocked at the people who walked against the crowd and stared them down with an evil stare when they would not get out of our way.  At one point, I thought Mr. C was going to crash Little Miss M’s stroller into a tall, fat, intoxicated man who would not move aside, as we continued to try to push our way through the herd of people. Mr. C grumbled with discontent.  He mumbled under his breath a long string of rude comments directed at the intoxicated dumb ass; as we pushed our way past him. Little Miss M did not mind the crowd or the stupid, drunk people.  She loves to be the center of attention.  She smiled at everyone who passed us, waving her little, dainty hand like a princess on a parade float, saying, “hi,” to everyone she saw, with bright eyes and an adorable smile.

Later, in the afternoon, we stopped near a bandstand where upbeat music was playing.  I needed to change Little Miss M’s soaking wet diaper. The restrooms were full, so we found a shady, discrete place in the park, not too far from the band stand.

“Hurry,” Mr. C told me in an over protective tone, “I don’t want any perverts staring at Little Miss M.”

I did my best to change her diaper as quickly as I could.  It was impossible. Little Miss M loves music, she loves to dance, and she loves to be the center of attention.  When the cool breeze evaporated the wetness on Little Miss M’s bare, little bottom, she quickly stood up and began to dance to the upbeat music.  Her little feet shuffled, dancing quickly away from Mr. C and me.  She moved so rapidly, I could not get a dry diaper on Little Miss M fast enough.  It was a struggle to get Little Miss M back onto the blanket which we had spread out on the grass to change her diaper.  Little Miss M continued to dance and wave at everyone nearby with her bare bottom exposed to everyone she greeted. She was definitely comfortable in her own skin.

When I finally put a dry diaper on Little Miss M, and her denim shorts back on, I shrugged my shoulders, grinning with embarrassment and said to Mr. C, who was very red in the face, “She’s definitely a future burlesque star.”  We both laughed as we buckled Little Miss M back into her stroller, pushing our way through the crowd again. Little Miss M’s head was bobbing up and down to the beat of the music, which continued to play at the bandstand.  As it faded from our ears, Little Miss M continued to wave her hand, sitting in her stroller, smiling and greeting the people we passed in the hot, smelly crowd.  Fried food lingered on people’s breath and expelled a foul order from their dripping sweat.  I often feel blessed that Little Miss M spices up our life.  Our trip to the fair might have been dull without observing Little Miss M’s reaction with the crowd.

In the beginning of Little Miss M’s stay with us, I fought tooth and nail about having to be the guardian of a small child at my age. I had already gone through the growing pains of raising my children. It was like I was fighting to remain a float upon a torrential wave of unsettling emotions. The strong current of fight and resistance tugged me downward to drown in a hopeless sea. I did not want to sacrifice all that I have worked hard for, ever since my children became young adults. I fought the thoughts of having to possibly give up writing, art work, magic and burlesque.  It was not until I finally surrendered to the moment, learning to enjoy my time with Little Miss M, when I discovered how to float and survive each minute in life.  When I acquiesced to this new journey in my life, I felt more serene and stable.

Art created by Mia Malone-Jennings, inspired by the late, great pin-up artist, Bill Ward

Art created by Mia Malone-Jennings, inspired by the late, great pin-up artist, Bill Ward

In the beginning weeks of my new adventure with Little Miss M, I thought that I had to give up writing letters to you, my artwork and burlesque show, in order dedicate my time to care for Little Miss M.  During the past several months I have learned to be creative in other ways, like creating homemade beads to create jewelry at a minimal cost, bake cupcakes, and sometimes find time to create a new art portrait, or write my letters to you, in small increments of my time.  It may take me longer to create a new art piece or write a letter to you, Henry, but, eventually I complete a new art portrait, another letter, produce another burlesque show, and re-edit a few of the first fifty letters to you, so that I can eventually published it as a book.  My projects often appears as a large task to me.  I figure that if I can move a little bit further on a project whenever I find the time, it is better than wasting the moment doing something non-productive.  Today, I feel joy again, as Little Miss M’s in daycare for today, I have the silence of my day to serenade me like peaceful music as my fingers float quickly across my keyboard, writing this letter to you.  I love the sensual sounds of the click-clack-clicks, when my fingers type fast sentences and quick paragraphs.

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Fourteen years ago today, October 8, 2013, I wed my soul mate, Mr. C in Sin City.  My divorce from Mr. D.A. had just been signed and finalized three days prior to us leaving for Last Vegas. I had been separated from my first husband for three years.  He dragged his feet, consenting to a divorce. Mr. C and I originally had plans for a small wedding in the backyard of our beautiful, country home. Unfortunately, Mr. C was in a terrible car accident a few weeks before we were to be married.  He was hit by a drunk driver.  His injuries consisted of several ruptured disks in his neck and three broken ribs. Since I loved the city of Las Vegas and Mr. C had never traveled there, we decided to have an intimate wedding in Nevada.

“Why should we spend all of our money on feeding guests, pleasing friends and family, when we can go to Las Vegas and try to have a wonderful time and an intimate wedding, “ I said to Mr. C,  several days after his car accident, as he suffered in silence, watching television on the living room sofa. “I had a big wedding with Mr. D.A. and it was a disaster.  I don’t think that I can endure another disastrous wedding.  You will love Las Vegas. Our time will be spent together, alone. We won’t be worrying about pleasing everyone.  It will be exciting and romantic.”

“Sounds good to me,” he replied, “I think your idea sounds wonderful.”

“We have to celebrate life,” I softly spoke, sitting next to the man I loved so deeply on the sofa.  “Your life was almost taken in that accident.  I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.  On the day we get married, I want you all to myself.  I don’t want to share you with anyone.”  I kissed Mr. C lovingly, passionately, and softly upon his lips.

“Your life could have been taken as well, “Mr. C replied. “On the night of the car accident, if you were not at home beading your wedding dress, and would have come a long with me when I picked my son up from the roller skating rink, you might be dead. The drunken asshole totally demolished the passenger side of the Time Machine. (That is what we called our Ford Tempo at the time).  I don’t think you would have lived through the accident.  I am lucky to be alive.  I am lucky to have you still in my life, darling.”

“We need to celebrate life and buy our airline tickets as soon as possible,” I replied as I got off the sofa, and began heading upstairs to use the land line in our office to call our friends and family to inform them about the change in our wedding plans. “I am going to need to buy a new, wedding dress.  The hundreds of beads on the dress that I was diligently designing broke on the evening of your accident.  It took me forever to sweep up all of those tiny beads. I can’t believe that I had spent the last three months of my life creating that dress.  It kind of sucks it did not turn out.  I am pretty sure that I can purchase an inexpensive, beautiful dress in less than a week. Do we have the cash?”

Over the next week, I searched all over the Twin Cities to purchase an inexpensive, yet beautiful wedding dress.  I wanted it to be off white.  I kept a positive attitude during my shopping excursion. Since I have always had to live with having a small, financial budget, especially for clothing, I always came across the right garment for the right price.  Sometimes I designed and sewed my own clothing.  I was confident that I would discover the perfect, wedding dress in a second hand boutique, which I eventually discovered on Excelsior Boulevard.  It was the color of champagne. The bust of this dress shimmered with beautiful beading.  The back of the dress had numerous, satin covered buttons down the back of the dress, and a gorgeous, long train.  It looked like a dress from a Cinderella story.  I was grateful for the cost of this exquisite dress – $100.00.  I love finding new treasures at a magical price.

We spent our first day in Las Vegas visiting all the Casinos on the strip, got our marriage license from the Clark County Courthouse, and was entertained in the evening with an elegant, erotic show at the Stardust Casino. As we toured Las Vegas, I loved witnessing the thrilled look in Mr. C’s eyes as he observed Sin City for the first time.  We stayed at the Golden Nugget Casino located on Fremont Street.  It was close to the court house.  Mr. C was excruciating pain due to his broken ribs, but he refused to permit his pain override his excitement.  During the afternoon on our second day in Las Vegas I went to the Golden Nugget’s Salon. I wanted my hair styled in an elegant, classic up do, before we got married.  I felt like a sparkling Princess when the talented, hair dresser finally finished my hair, sprinkling a small amount of white glitter upon my barrel curls, and then lavished several of the bobby pins, which kept my smooth, neat, barrel curls in place, with white, iridescent pearls.

“I have an elaborate wedding dress with a lot of buttons on the back. Is there anyone in this casino who could help me button up my dress before my wedding ceremony?” I asked my hair dresser after I paid her for her service and tipped her very well.

An hour before we left for the wedding chapel, there was a knock on my door.

“Hello, Ma’am, I am here to button up your wedding dress,” greeted a plump, hotel maid. Her skin was the color of dark chocolate. Her teeth glowed bright white.  Her short, black, curly hair was sprinkled with grey.

“Come on in,” I smiled. “Thank you so much for helping me,” I said graciously, sighing with relief as I let the hotel maid in and closed the door behind her.

I had my dress on before she arrived.  The only task for the hotel maid was to button the back of my dress.  I felt a deep sense of love for my groom, and gratitude for the help I was receiving from the hotel maid as she started buttoning up the back of my wedding dress. I could not move. I could only observe Mr. C getting dressed into a pair of sharp, black dress pants, black suspenders, an off white dress shirt, and fancy black silk tie through a small crack in the bathroom door.  When my dress was finally buttoned, and the long train on my dress was securely bustled up, Mr. C tipped the hotel maid well, for her assistance, prior to her walking out our hotel room door.  She added magic to the beginning of our wedding night, creating a warm, kind, and maternal memory for me.

The first time I got married, I had to wear two wedding gowns – an American one, and a Korean one. I found it stressful to quickly change from one dress with another. It slowed down our wedding. By the time I had reached our wedding reception, the food had already been served to our guests and my wedding cake had been cut. I cried in the bathroom for almost an hour.  On the day I wed my second husband, I felt no distress getting into this fairy tale gown.  The hotel maid’s aura was peaceful, kind and maternal.  She made me feel serene and well taken care of.

My heart beat fast as I held Mr. C’s hand in the elevator.  I could hardly breathe. My palms were sweaty from nervousness.

“You have a beautiful bride.”

“Thank you,” I replied, to the middle – age gentleman who shared the elevator with us, blushing with abashment until we reached the hotel lobby.  A shiny, black, four door Sedan was waiting for us, outside the glass front door of our hotel, to take us to the Chapel near the Riviera Casino. I had read on the internet that Whoopi Goldberg had been wed in this chapel.  I love Whoopi Goldberg.  I felt that this was our lucky chapel to be wedded in.

Our ceremony was quaint, classic, and exquisite.  It did not feel like a cheesy, wedding ceremony on the Las Vegas’ strip.  It was romantic, uncomplicated and very intimate.  Joyous tears pooled in Mr. C’s and my eyes, as I walked calmly, elegantly, and slowly down the aisle towards him at the altar. I stared at his handsome face with love struck eyes as if he was were my main focal point while giving birth to a child.  I felt hypnotized with every step I took closer to my groom, serenaded by the beautiful song composed and sung by Savage Garden, Truly, Madly, Deeply.  When I arrived at Mr. C’s side, the timeless melody of Jim Croce song, “Time in a bottle, projected from the stereo speakers. Mr. C firmly held my hand as we stared deeply and lovingly into each other’s eyes until the beautiful song ended. When our short wedding ceremony was finished, Mr. C and I kissed each other with undying passion, projecting energy from the depths of our love, and our souls.  On that afternoon, at the altar, we kissed – truly, madly, deeply.

When we returned to our hotel room, Mr. C helped me unbutton my dress and remove it, exposing my white laced lingerie.  His kiss was warm, passionate and loving, when he gently reclined my body onto our hotel bed.  We made love to each other for hours, despite the agony of Mr. C’s broken ribs.  I was pleasured with foreplay for a very long time, until Mr. C’s diamond hard shaft drove deep within me, and we exploded with combustible rapture – our climax was mind-blowing. When our naked bodies unlocked from our embrace, my body immediately went weak, collapsing upon the bed.  My soul felt electrified.  My blood stream was hot and racy.  My grin was so large, feeling like the luckiest woman alive.  I knew that I would and could love Mr. C for the rest of my life – truly, madly, deeply.  After we recovered, we fed each other wedding cake. It was incredibly romantic.

I brought two dresses to wear on my wedding day and night in Las Vegas.  After we made love,  I no longer looked like a fairy tale princess.  I appeared like a vixen cloaked in a sexy, short, black leather skirt and jacket, black, thigh high, fishnet stockings, a black garter and matching bra, as well as knee high, black leather boots.  Mr. C wore faded Levi’s, and the off white dress shirt he wore at our wedding ceremony.  When we walked outside of our hotel we were astounded by the light show on Fremont Avenue.  The walk ways on Fremont Avenue was crowded, full of tourists, the homeless, scam artists and soulful musicians.  Mr. C and I watched in awe at the assortment of people. It was a wonderful way to start our new life together as man and wife.

Our Wedding Night

I remember it well beneath the Vegas lights,

It was mid October when we two lovers wed,

Thereafter we made love upon our hotel bed,

O’ how he made sweet love to me!

I remember it all so well-our fairytale like night.

It was simple, yet, so perfect, as if wedded in a dream.

My pulse quickened standing at the altar, hand in hand,

My hand wrapped in his hand,

His hand held by my hand,

It was there upon my lips he kissed me,

In silence we stood as if frozen, hour glass sand,

And time stood still upon this dreamy scene.

Before him I stood with pearls in my hair,

Laced within my tresses of auburn hair,

So love struck in his eyes I stared,

“I Do,” I heard his heart confess to me,

“My darling,” I said touching his face with care,

“My heart will be yours for eternity.”

We whispered our vows beneath the Vegas lights,

Thereafter we watched the Fremont Show of lights

Together we stood hand in hand in love, that special night

Husband and wife, him and me

I’ll never forget that romantic, desert night

It was as if it were a fairytale in some kind of dream.

                                                                                       Author, Mia

On the last day in Las Vegas we visited the MGM Grand Hotel. I have always enjoyed Frank Baum’s legendary story, The Wizard of Oz.  The gift shop was full of memorabilia from the movie.  I have always been a book lover and squealed with delight when I saw the hardcover book, authored by Frank Baum’s great grandson, Roger S. Baum, The Lion of Oz and the Badge of Courage.  When I saw Roger S. Baum autographing his book for a few other fans, I knew that I had to purchase a copy.  I was overjoyed that I was going to get an autographed copy.  Ever since Mr. C and I met, our lives were like magic.  We were always in the right place at the right time.  The author projected a warm aura as I told him how important the metaphorical messages from the story, The Wizard of Oz, had impacted my life at a young age.  I told him that I even had a dog named Toto when I was very young. We talked for awhile about writing, poetry and life experiences.  Roger S. Baum was down the earth, warm and friendly.  I loved my visit with him.

Ten years later, Mr. C and I returned to Las Vegas to celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary.  We stayed at the Hilton. After my divorce from Mr. D.A. (my first husband), my visit to Sam Dimas, California and meeting Mr. California Man, I was extremely passionate about the music from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s, The Phantom of the Opera.  I love to create art listening to the passionate, operatic music on several CD’s.  Before I met my second husband, Mr. C, I had told myself that I would marry the man who took me to see the production of The Phantom of the Opera.  A few months after Mr. C and I met, he surprised me with two tickets for The Phantom of the Opera, playing at the Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis.  He even searched every store in the Twin Cities to purchase my first pair of black satin, over the elbow, gloves which matched my long, black velvet evening dress.  I cried with joy during the entire production, because I could not believe that I was finally seeing The Phantom of the Opera for the first time in my life.  I had only dreamed about my seeing The Phantom of the Opera.

Mr. C treated me like a princess ever since we met.  He wanted to transcend each one of my life fantasies and erotic fantasies into a reality. The fingertips of my black satin gloves were damp from my tears when the curtain came down when the amazing production was finished. I had pools of tears in my eyes when we exited the Orpheum Theater and walked onto Hennepin Avenue. I was grateful for the warm, summer breeze, which quickly evaporated the tears which glistened with wetness on my cheeks.

On our ten year wedding anniversary, I had booked airline tickets to Las Vegas and VIP tickets to see the Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian Hotel.  We desperately needed to get away for some quality time together.  We were living with Mr. C’s mother, taking care of her needs prior to her death and living with my youngest, teenage daughter, who could be a whirlwind of stress and frustration.  Prior to seeing the show, Mr. C and I had amazing, mind blowing sex.  We spent a few hours in our hotel prior to getting ready to see The Phantom of the Opera.  My heart beat raced with escalating titillation.  I gasped with arousal and shocked surprise when Mr. C unexpectedly flipped my naked body onto the bed face down. My ass projected upward, anxious for a good spanking. My back curled with anticipation when I felt Mr. C pull the back of my long, black hair.  My head arched backwards and my mouth opened, exhaling a highly aroused moan.  My pants of hot, stimulated breath quickened, my erotogenic moans heightened, and my sex rained with hot moisture when Mr. C’s hand eventually spanked my bare buttocks several times. My ass jutted backwards in his direction, pleading for more kinky strikes of his hand.   After ten years of marriage, he knew how to inflict pain with a perfect rhythm and dominating firmness. I still get wet with arousal thinking about how his several of his fingers plowed into me after striking my ass, twisting, wiggling and thrusting deep with me.  My pink, swollen, wet walls of flesh tightened voraciously around my husband’s fingers.  I thrust my hips downward, plunging Mr. C’s fingers deeper into me.  My body tingled with electricity.  My mind buzzed with a stimulating high.  I could not contain my excitement or multiple orgasms.  My body convulsed and my chest heaved repetitiously.  I felt dizzy and delirious.  My wet, warm lust gushed like a fast running kitchen faucet onto Mr. C’s hands when his virile fingers curled and pressed up onto my eager g-spot.

“Oh My God, Oh My God, OH MY GOD! This feels so goddamn good!

As quick as a fox disappears into the woods when they see humans, my husband withdraws his fingers, increasing my desire for sexual satisfaction.  I sighed with discontent seconds before Mr. C quickly flips me onto my back and spread my legs far apart with his strong thighs.  I sucked in a mouthful of air.  I sounded like a boiling tea pot, exhaling hot hisses of lust when Mr. C firmly grabbed my wrists with his, forcing them above my head.  I surrender easily to his will.  I always surrendered to his will. I am a submissive slut.  My stomach flutters with anticipation when Mr. C’s mouth presses hard upon mine until it opens.  Our tongues twist together with erotic fervor and languished gluttony.  Our breath interlaces. Our souls intermingle.  Our heartbeats galloped with a unified, frenzied rhythm.

I loudly gasped for air once again, when Mr. C’s mouth traveled southward, halting at the Y between my legs.  His adept fingers spread my swollen labia far apart until he could locate the stiff stem inside my glistening, pink flower.  His tongue sucked and licked my clitoris – sometimes slow and soft – sometimes fast and hard. Sometimes my leg twitched from the intensity.  Raw, passionate electricity traveled up and down my spine like a Jacob’s ladder.  My toes curled and uncurled from the pleasure I was receiving.  My hips thrust downward when his tongue plunged into my soaking wet aperture.  I wanted to feel him deep within.  I covered my mouth with one of my hands to silence my screams of bliss, when his fingers replaced his tongue, reaching, thrusting, and exploring deep within me. Bolts of electricity overwhelmed my senses when his fingers pressed and wiggled hard upon my g-spot.  His tongue continued to tease and torture my clitoris as his fingers played a rapacious melody deep within me.  A deluge of my wetness gushes from my over stimulated sex, soaking Mr. C’s hand and face. His tongue continued lapping up my overheated liquid of lust.

“Fuck me please,” I desperately pleaded. “Fuck me, fuck me.”

Soon the headboard of the bed began to crash into the hotel wall.  Thump, thump, thump.  My legs were wrapped tightly around my husband’s body, guiding his thrusts deeper and faster into me.

“Oh God, this feels so fucking good,” I moaned.  The headboard continued to bump against the wall.  Thump! Thump! Thump! My eyes rolled upward with bliss. I felt intoxicated with rushing adrenaline.  My vision blurred.  My fingers gripped tighter upon the bed sheets. Mr. C is a fucking machine.  He does not orgasm easily.  Before Mr. C can ejaculate, I cannot hold back any longer, and I surrender to a divine string of long, hard, multiple orgasms. My body trembles like an earthquake’s aftershock. I cannot withstand the intensity any longer.  Mr. C continues to drive me insane, thrusting harder and harder into me.

“Please …stop.  I can’t take no more.  Please, please.”  But he does not hear my request.  Or, he is ignoring them. His cock plows deeper and faster inside me. This feels fucking fantastic.  However, the intensity is driving me completely mad.  My vaginal walls constrict and loosen around his hard shaft, over and over again.  I concentrate on my breathing to endure the pleasure which rapidly transcended into extreme agony.

“I want to suck your cock,” I begged, hoping this erotic torture will end soon. I did not think that I could withstand this blissful agony much longer.  I could hardly breathe.  I felt over stimulated and my muscles were weak like cooked noodles. My heart beat fast and furious. My senses were overwhelmed, on the verge of short circuiting.  Soon after Mr. C pushed my sexual limits way over the edge of insane ecstasy, his body dismounts me.  His overheated body collapsed with exhaustion upon our hotel bed.  His naked, muscular chest heaved up and down, glistening with beads of salty sweat, his mouth gasping for air, and his cock still hard and erect. I wanted him to feel as much pleasure as I had when I engulf his glossy, wet, erect shaft into my mouth. His musky order floated into my nostrils. The tip of his cock pushed against my tonsils. His salty excitement slipped down my throat.  My tongue glided the tip of his cock back to my wet lips. It slithered against his smooth tip for awhile before I swallowed him into my mouth again.  I shut my eyes, continuing to hypnotically retract and withdraw his cock in and out of my covetous mouth, until Mr. C’s finally ejaculated.  I smiled with satisfaction when the spout on the tip of his cock spurted with hot semen, as if a volcano erupting.

“You still have the magic touch, darling,” I uttered with raspy breath after collapsing upon the bed again. My limbs were still weak as I rested on my back. My body trembled with orgasmic aftershock. Mr. C and I were side by side, attempting to catch our breath. My naked, small and perk bosoms heaved up and down as my body tried to cool down. His penis withered and his muscular chest heaved up and down as well.

“I love you,” Mr. C replied before we drifted off to sleep for an hour.

Later that evening we took a taxi cab to the Venetian Hotel.  Mr. C was dressed in a sharp suit and I was wearing a black cocktail dress with excruciating, shiny, black high heeled pumps.  It was amazing to be seated in the second row, completely mesmerized by the astounding production.  The first time we saw the Phantom of the Opera, we could not afford seats so close to the stage.  I felt fortunate to be able to purchase VIP tickets. Once again, I was in awe and hypnotized by the passionate music and theatrical production.

Afterwards, we got to meet the Phantom back stage.  He was taking off his make-up when we entered his dressing room.  I was ecstatic to meet him and tour the stage.  After the actor playing the Phantom finished removing his make-up, we walked through the corridors back stage with a small group of people who also had purchased VIP tickets.  Many of them had brought cameras and wanted their photo taken with the talented, handsome actor.  It never crossed Mr. C’s and my mind to bring a camera.  The actor appeared disappointed that we did not want our photo taken with him.  He insisted that we take a photo with him with Mr. C’s camera on his new phone.  Mr. C works as an executive protection guard and we have met many big named celebrities.  We are not the type of people who are highly thrilled or in extreme awe of someone in the spotlight of fame.  We did not mean to insult the actor’s ego.

Phantom

However, I was in awe when we were on stage and saw all the trap doors and stage props and were told how they worked.  I have always loved the theater ever since I was a little girl. Having the opportunity to see the stage, trap doors and astounding props thrilled me.  Having VIP tickets to see The Phantom of the Opera was the perfect way to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary.  The memory of our vacation in Las Vegas will be remembered forever in my mind.  I love to live life and experience new places, creating new, marvelous memories.  I would prefer to spend my money on an experience rather than a material item.  For a writer such as myself; experiencing life and new adventures is like gold to me.

I must end this letter, Henry.  Little Miss M is begging me to take her to the park.

Bisous, Mon Amour

Mia

“Travel can be one of the most rewarding forms of introspection. “- Lawrence Durrell

Mia Loves Henry Miller – Letter 51 – Life – Tragedy – Death – Release – Living Moment to Moment – Just Breathe

Mia Loves Henry Miller – Letter 51 – Life – Tragedy – Death – Release – Living Moment to Moment – Just Breathe

Mia doing burlesque

Mia doing burlesque photo by Sybil Minelli

(To my readers of this blog –  these blog letters (letters 51-100) will be raw and unrefined, much like the first fifty, blog letters which I have written to Henry Miller during the year 2012-2013) I am presently continuing to edit and re-writing the first fifty letters, which were originally written in blog form, Mialoveshenrymiller.com.  Today, I intensely desire the ability to write to Henry Miller, in the present moment.  I cannot resist my temptation any longer.  I know that these blog letters will drastically change as I edit, re-write and refine these letters, prior to publishing my blog into book form.   I bare my soul, my feelings, my sexuality, and my imperfections in these letters to this late, great author and artist.

Dear Henry,

“The world is a mirror of myself dying.” – Henry Miller

It has been seven months since I wrote your last letter to you, Henry – Letter 50.  I did not want to write Letter 51 to you until I had completely finished editing and rewriting the first fifty letters to you, which has been a slow process due to many dramatic obstacles that I have had to hurdle in my personal life over the past several months.   I have felt tired, hopeless, depressed and isolated, which makes me sometimes makes me feel uninspired to write anything new to you.  I have greatly missed writing to you, Henry!  Sometimes writing to you is like a sharing several hours with a good friend.  I need a friend like you right now.   Lately, I have been inspired by watching three videos of you online about your adventurous life, which were highly recommended to me by other writers. I adore your warm, animated soul, listening to your wise and soothing voice as I see you speak about your life.  I am amused by your handsome face, your spirit and your hand gestures.  I felt as if your face and voice was daring me on – attempting to inspire me to write to you again.

I have watched two videos which were posted online, on YouTube, which focused on you and your beginnings in Paris.   A dear friend, who is Romanian, but lives in Paris, is connected with the Paris writers group.  His friend, Mary Duncan, who is also from the Paris Writers Group, posted these videos online –

I was very grateful and elated that Mr. Romanian Paris sent me the links to Mary Duncan’s videos, which I watched as soon as I had a spare moment.

Mr. Romanian Paris and I have barely communicated by email over the past several months due to my being busy with other projects and snagged into family drama.  However, just when I needed to hear your voice, Henry, and your words of inspiration, my wonderful friend, Mr. Romanian Paris, has been sharing your videos with me to watch online, via email.  So far, Mary Duncan has posted two video clips of your interview with Bradley Smith in 1969, describing your life with June in Paris when you first arrived. I have also watched another short film online called, The Henry Miller Odyssey, which I discovered in a blog on WordPress.com.  Lately, due to recent events in my life, my heart feels like it has been crushed into a million jagged pieces.  When I hear your vibrant voice and look at your handsome, animated spirit in these videos, it soothes my heartache.  It’s like invisible glue, which aids in piecing my broken heart back together again.

During the past few months my life has felt surreal and extremely distressing.  I often feel heavy in the heart and I feel a sense of great loss.  I have not had sex with anyone or even myself until recently.  My sadness has seemed to dull my sexual senses. I try to do my best living my life and to find peace within each one of my days, even when my life explodes with family tragedy and drama.  Over the past eight weeks I have carried heavy emotional baggage within me.  My frustration, worry and stress hisses like hot water which is near the boiling point, bubbling inside a metal, tea kettle.  My jaws are clenched tightly with stress for most of my days.  Yesterday, I finally found the energy to shake off my distress.  I had the house all to myself.  I felt well balanced, a complete sense of surrender, and the inspiration to write to you again. Prior to logging onto my computer laptop, to begin this letter to you, I needed to feel a sense of release and relaxation, so I finally went to my bedroom, which overlooks my large, wooded, backyard, and took out my beloved, diabolical, Hitachi Wand from my hiding place.  I satiated my longing for erotic pleasure, and to feel the relief after my recent weeks of distress from an intense climax.  I loved making myself orgasm.  I felt so relaxed afterwards. My tight muscles loosened their tense grip on me.  I don’t know why I don’t pleasure myself as often as I should.  It would most likely stabilize my moods. I must admit that I genuinely miss my weekly sexual escapades with my past lover and benefactor, Mr. B.   My husband, Mr. C, is usually busy with his work.  He is fatigued by the time he gets home.  Our intimate time together is not as often as I would prefer.

Ever since this past Mother’s Day, my mind has been cluttered with heartache, turmoil, loss and worry. When I finally made myself orgasm yesterday, I could feel the melodramatic poison depart my mind, heart, and soul.  I needed it out of my bloodstream and my consciousness.  After experiencing my Mother’s Day tragedy, which happened many weeks ago, I finally feel peace and inner strength. The first part of this summer has been hot and miserable without the luxuries of air conditioning.  I no longer have my extravagant, artist loft in the cities to escape to and to cool down with a new air conditioner.  It’s difficult to believe that it has been one year since my benefactor, Mr. B and I broke up and have gone our separate ways.  I have learned to cherish the memories that we shared together for six, wonderful years and surrender my heartache for him.  I no longer want to carry sad memories inside of a large bag.  I moved out of my artist loft located in St. Paul, March 2013.  My memories were packed inside many cardboard boxes. I had finally succumbed to the decision that I could no longer afford the luxury of my artist loft.  I almost rented another place in NE Minneapolis, where I was going to teach burlesque and create a burlesque clothing boutique.  But, the place was a dump which required much work.  Due to my physical health and continuous headaches, which worsened during our long, drawn out winter, I decided to not lease another loft in NE Minneapolis.  I backed out before I was locked into a five year lease.  Presently, all that I have is my small, suburban home, fifteen minutes from the Twin cities.  I do not have much private space to lose myself with painting or writing.  I am doing my best to get by and find anywhere comfortable to write and paint.  I greatly miss my artist loft.

I will survive even though I miss my soothing, deep bathtub at my loft, my titillating, sexual encounters with Mr. B and with my husband, Mr. C. I will miss listening to my vast collection of audio books when I am painting day and night to get ready for an art showing.  I do not own a car and I no longer have the luxuries of walking in the cities or taking public transportation. I am stuck in the suburbs in a small home that I don’t really like.  It was Mr. C’s mother’s home before we inherited it after her death, two and a half years ago.  The atmosphere of our home is dull and lifeless. I will eventually hang some of my paintings to add vibrancy to my living space. I should be grateful for not having a mortgage payment, instead of experiencing a feeling a sense of depression as I live here on a permanent basis.  I have lived in Minnesota all of my life, in the city, in the country and in the suburbs.  I do not want to die in this fickle weathered state.  Someday, I want to live somewhere warmer, near the ocean surrounded by gorgeous, tropical scenery.  I want to experience more adventures in my life.   Yet, for the present time, the importance of my family is halting Mr. C and me from moving to a warmer climate at this time.  Especially after the devastating experience which demolished my youngest daughter, J-2’s vibrant spirit on Mother’s Day.  She is only twenty-two years old.

“There was a time in my life when it seemed as though I might go mad.  That was between 20 and 25 years of age.” Henry Miller – The Durrell-Miller Letters 1935-80

Late in the afternoon on Mother’s day,  I felt like an emotional storm ripped my soul into a million pieces, leaving me to scramble for emotional balance and survival when I received a hysterical phone call from my daughter, raising every hair on my body.  It was a heart breaking message that no mother should ever receive.  Prior to my phone call, Mr. C and my two, adult step children, took me to the classic, Como Zoo in St. Paul, MN for Mother’s Day.  It’s a place that I have loved ever since I was a young girl.  Afterwards, we were going to have lunch at the 50’s Grill in Brooklyn Park. But, lunch never happened.  Our day was cut short due to unexpected news.  Unfortunately, my youngest, blood daughter, J-2 could not attend with us.  My son, J-1, was busy with other obligations.  Until Mother’s Day, she lived a long distance away from the Twin Cities. Ever since she moved this past September, nine months prior to this phone call, we talked on the phone often.  Sometimes more than five times per day.  Before the tragedy in my daughter’s life began, she was the first child to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day on my Facebook page.  She posted her message before I woke up to start my day.  It was the first thing that I read which had greatly uplifted my spirit.  As I talked to my daughter on the telephone on the morning before I left for the zoo, I could hear her boyfriend “A” and my adorable granddaughter, Little Miss M, in the background, playing and talking.   I thought that they sounded happy and content.  “A” had just purchased a small, inflatable pool for my granddaughter, who he cared for and loved so deeply.  Earlier in the day, I felt so grateful for my wonderful family.

I must admit, that I was also wishing on this Mother’s Day weekend that I could be in Brooklyn, NY to see all the festivities which were dedicated to you, Henry.  How exciting and fascinating! They even made a Big Sur, Brooklyn Bridge sign in honor of you, because you grew up in Williamsburg.  Unfortunate, due to a shortage of monetary funds, I was unable to afford this trip to NYC.  I did not mind too much because I spent a wonderful day with my husband and his two children, who always show me that they respect and appreciate me as a mother figure.  While we were leaving the zoo after a really fun day, my youngest daughter called me.

“Hello,” I answered, “What’s the matter?” I asked, listening to her frantic screaming, delirious words and hysterical crying. “Calm down.  What’s wrong?” I attempted to sooth her, which did not help.  My daughter was too distraught.  I could not understand what she was saying.  She was frustrated that I could not decipher her over-wrought words and called me a “fucking bitch” before she threw her cell phone, and a paramedic picked it up and began speaking to me through my daughter’s phone.  Panic froze my blood when I heard the male paramedics voice.  Up until this point, I could not imagine why my daughter was so distraught.

“Hello, your daughter is too upset to talk,” I hear him speak with calm authority.  “Unfortunately, there has been a horrible accident.  Your daughter’s boyfriend was working on his car when it suddenly collapsed upon him.  I am sorry, but he is dead.”

Every inch of my blood drained from my face, dumping below my neck and into my chilled body.  My eyes were brimmed with glossy red and expelling a deluge of large tears. My throat and jaws trembled from my panicked state of mind.  “We are taking your daughter to a hospital an hour away.  She is too distraught.  Please arrive to the “M” hospital as soon as you can.  Your daughter needs you.”

When I hung up the phone, I wailed with utmost grief in the passenger seat of our car, for my daughter’s tragic loss, my granddaughter’s loss, my families’ loss, and the great loss for my daughter’s boyfriend’s beloved family and his friends. I really liked my daughter’s boyfriend. He had been part of our family for over two years. I could not stop crying as we drove to our suburban home.  My aching wails echoed out my window as we drove home.  My stepchildren tried to console me from the back seat.  All that I could think of was that I needed to get to my daughter ASAP!  The time it took to return home from the zoo, drop off my stepchildren and start our long journey to get my distraught daughter from the hospital could not move fast enough. My feelings of dismay and the large lump in my throat made it difficult for me to breathe. My heart ached profusely for my daughter’s loss.  My entire world felt like it had been turned upside down.

Mr. C. and I left the Twin Cities as soon as we could.  It was over a four hour drive get to the hospital.  This was the worst day in my daughter’s life.  She was angry and hysterical.  She was unable to deal with the stress of watching her boyfriend’s car collapse upon his vulnerable body and trapping him beneath the car when it fell upon him.  She observed his last moments on this earth.  Her boyfriend did not have any friends or family with him, to spot him as he worked on his car.  When my daughter found him trapped beneath the car, there was nothing that my daughter could do for him.  They lived in the country a few miles away from anyone. My daughter pulled every muscle in her back, attempting to lift the car off of her boyfriend.  She also called 911, which took over 30 minutes for an ambulance to arrive.  She called her roommates.  They did not answer the phone.  She called his parents who lived nearby, but they did not answer their phone.  My daughter had no body to help her as she observed the man she loved and the surrogate father to her child, die a slow, suffocating death.  My daughter was so delirious and suicidal that the “M” hospital had to transfer her to a psychiatric hospital in Sioux Falls, SD.  Once we arrived, I soothed her as much as I could.  It was late in the evening and she was sound asleep due to forced sedation by the medical staff.  I could not do anything until the next morning.  At 7 A.M. I was convincing the hospital staff to let me sign my daughter out of a 72 hold, so that she could grieve with her family.  As we drove to our suburban home, I did everything I could to console my daughter.  My empathetic heart broke as I observed her devastating heartache.

In just a few hours of time, my life had completely changed.  Suddenly I was attempting to console my daughter as best as I could, and take on the full time job of watching my precious grandchild, Little Miss M, who stole my heart the minute she was born.  I did not expect to be a grandmother so early in my life.  But, when my granddaughter was born, I did not care.  I was so smitten with her.  A week later we attended the funeral.  It was difficult to see my daughter’s boyfriend’s family treat my daughter so horribly.  Afterwards, my daughter isolated herself, drowning into a deep pool of depression.  She was barely home to help me take care of her child.  Her way of grieving and distracting herself was to be with her friends, sleeping or to be alone.  She could not halt the flashbacks of her boyfriend’s tragic death.

During the first couple weeks after my daughter moved in with my husband and me, I was the sole caregiver of my two year old granddaughter.  She’s irresistible, charismatic, and free-spirited.  She easily adapts to the changes in her young life.  At first, I was initially exhausted by the end of each day.  Prior to Mother’s Day, I was in the groove, re-editing and re-writing my first fifty letters to you, Henry. Suddenly, my life hit a wall and went a different direction.  I was transforming from an artist and writer, which requires much silence and seclusion, as well as being a burlesque/magic performer and a show director of a large, burlesque and variety show, into a full time caregiver of a small, active child.

Mia Burlesque photo by Sybil Minelli

“An artist is always alone.  No, what the artist needs is loneliness.” – Henry Miller

I felt like I was dropped into another dimension in time and space, and was now the maternal caretaker for a confused, but resilient and adorable little girl.  I love my granddaughter so very much.  I did my best attempting to adapt to this new chapter in my life.  It takes a lot of energy to keep up with an active, two year old child, especially when I am experiencing a mind boggling headache.  The stress of my daughter’s loss and my new life as a full time caregiver was extremely stressful, causing my headaches to become more fierce and unforgiving.  After four weeks of mourning, my daughter still could not face taking care of her child.  She leaves all the responsibilities with me, my husband, as well as my ex-husband and his girlfriend, as she finds comfort in her friends.  It’s unfortunate that Little Miss M does not know that her father is dead.  And her mother’s spirit is trapped in mourning, loss, guilt, and most likely fear for her future.

After the first two, busy weeks taking care of Little Miss M, I am frazzled and exhausted.  Yet, I feel happy and full of loving energy for my granddaughter.  My heart still is breaking for my daughter’s loss and to see her suffering.   Eventually, I find myself greatly enjoying the long walks, pulling my granddaughter in a cute, pink wagon, and exploring new parks and beaches nearby my suburban home.  Somehow, I learned to adjust and find myself loving every single moment with my granddaughter.

I don’t know why mothers and daughters argue so passionately with one another.  I wish I had the magic formula on how to be the perfect mother.   Several weeks after my daughter’s boyfriend’s death, my daughter’s temper goes off like a time bomb and I am at the center of this explosion.  She assaults me by throwing a heavy, wet diaper at my head, screaming foul names at me.  She begins to destroy furniture in the living room and her daughter is cowering in a corner.  I think the edge of my computer hit Little Miss M’s left cheek, when my daughter tossed it across the room with utmost fury.

“You’re a fucking whore mom for writing your stupid letters to Henry Miller!” My daughter’s words hit me in the gut, until I am gasping for air.   The next hour was a blur.  Suddenly I register Mr. C escorting his furious stepdaughter out the door.  This incident felt like the last straw upon the camel’s back.  It completely shattered my heart.   Frustrated tears spill from my eyes and my throat trembles, attempting to contain my crying.  I felt some serious anger towards my daughter.  But, also a sense of sadness, because I know that she feels the world has taken everything she cared about from her. It’s difficult for me to see my daughter in such a painful state.  Her agony and heartache is an ocean deep.  Presently, I don’t think that my daughter will talk to me for a very long time.   Yet, each day I can still feel her pain, her sense of isolation, her heartache and the feeling of being lost.  I am an extremely empathetic person, especially with people who I care and love for deeply.  My heart feels extremely heavy.

For the past month, I have not seen my granddaughter or my daughter.  For the past month, Little Miss M has been staying at my ex-husband’s home in the country.  My daughter is staying with friends and punishing me and not letting me see my granddaughter.  I think about them every minute of the day.  My heart still feels crushed and I cry often for my loss.  Recently, I have put my distraught energy into writing to you again, re-editing my first fifty letters to you, and creating art.  I am also rehearsing for another burlesque show.  I have some amazing performers flying by airplane or driving a long distance to Minnesota, just to be a part of our August 2013 show.  My burlesque and variety show went on hiatus in July.  I am grateful for the rest during a difficult time in my life.  I am also very grateful and excited for this upcoming show.  For the first time in several weeks, I am distracted with my writing, rehearsals, promoting my upcoming burlesque show and being consumed with my art work.  I swallow my heartache, containing it deep within me.  Sometimes, when I am not doing anything, I think of the pain that my daughter is going through and wish there was something that I could do for her.  But, she hates me right now and does not want anything to do with me – it’s emotionally devastating to me.  I know that this will pass eventually and hopefully my relationship with my daughter will be mended.

I believe that being a mother or a parent is like riding an emotional roller coaster.  I have been through many emotional tragedies with all of my children – both my blood and stepchildren.  I have overcome so many devastating moments, like when my stepson was diagnosed with a serious form of cancer one month after he graduated high school.  I breathed a sigh of relief when his cancer finally went into remission.  I have had to let go of my blood children when they wanted to live with their father during their adolescent years, soon after my stepson was diagnosed with cancer.  I mourned the loss of my stepdaughter when she moved out of state, because she had difficulty dealing with her brother having cancer.  She did not leave until he was in remission.  Mr. C and I did not see her for a few years. I have stressed and worried myself with every scenario I have been objected to, as each of them grew up to become their own person.  I have experienced many highs and lows with all of my children and I have survived them all.  I will eventually overcome this recent tragedy and emotional blow-out with my daughter and become a stronger woman and mother.  I loathe the dips in parenthood and cherish the highs.  The only thing that I can do in this single moment, in regards to the anger my daughter has for me, is to simply let go and continue to live my life as best as I can in the moment.

It feels good to write this letter to you instead of doing nothing as I wait for my emotional storm to pass.  I love my daughter with all of my heart.  I hope that she will eventually find herself and a light to guide her in her darkest moments.  I hope that the right people cross her path at the right time, to help aid her through her heartache and loss.  I hope that she will know that I am always here for her, despite our anger and frustration with each other.

I am grateful for my husband’s emotional support. He does not like to see me so sad.  We have taken many weekend trips together this summer to ease my mind from my troubles.  We have traveled to the Black Hills in South Dakota two times already – the first time was just a few weeks after my daughter’s tragedy.  Mr. C and I traveled alone.  We only had two days together and did not get to see everything we wanted to see out west.  So, we traveled to the Black Hills a second time in mid-June with my stepdaughter and my granddaughter.  It’s one of my favorite places to travel.  I always feel something spiritual and cleansing whenever we visit.  Recently, Mr. C and I drove to Duluth and traveled to the North Shore to get away, clear our minds, and purchase delicious smoke salmon from Russ Kendall’s Smoke Fish House.  We also purchased a delicious bimbleberry pie from the infamous Bettie’s Pies.  Bimbleberry is a combination of wild berries which grow near the north shore.  Late in the afternoon, we ate a remarkable, picnic lunch at a beautiful, scenic rest stop on the Lake Superior’s north shore, even though it was raining.  The smoked salmon and bimble berry pie filled our hungry bellies as we sought cover from the rain in our car.  The open road always seems to hypnotize me, permitting me to purge my heartache and to clear my mind.  I always feel revived after a long road trip.

Recently, I have found the time to read one of your books – The Durrell – Miller Letters – 1935 -1980. In your fascinating letters, Durrell and you discuss the Hamlet letters often.  It makes me wish that I could locate the box of your books, which were at my artist loft, and are presently packed away somewhere in my crowded garage.  I would really like to read your book, The Hamlet Letters.  I can still recall how I received your book.  A young and handsome business man bought it for me in a San Francisco book shop and gave it to me as a gift when he came to visit Minneapolis. This was before my relationship with Mr. B.  He had to search hard for it, because copies of your book, The Hamlet Letters, are scarce.  I was so elated when I received your book.  So much so, that I showed this young and handsome gentleman my gratitude with hours of lovemaking in a luxurious, Minneapolis Hotel.  He definitely knew how to please me for several long, lascivious hours with his hands, tongue and his erect cock.  The passion we shared together after he gave me your book makes, The Hamlet Letters, even more special and memorable to me.

I must end this letter, Henry.  I am working on a vibrant piece of pin – up art work.  I want to submit it to a new and upcoming Minneapolis, pin up magazine.  I still have work to do to promote my burlesque show.  I also need to rehearse for our August 2nd show.  Minute by minute I am discovering the courage to put my heartache to rest and concentrate on living my life in the present moment.   Just because my daughter’s boyfriend died, and that my daughter does not want me in her life as she grieves, and I cannot see my granddaughter, it does not mean that I have to halt my life forever.  I have to still live my life moment to moment, day by day and to just breathe.   Presently, I chose to spend my days doing things that I love, such as writing and creating new art work.

My heart would sink like the infamous, lost ship, the Edmond Fitzgerald at the bottom of Lake Superior if I was to ever lose Mr. C to an unfortunate death.   The unexpected and tragic death of my daughter’s boyfriend reminds me to cherish every living moment that I have with my spouse.  If something happened to him, and things were not right between us, I would feel extreme guilt and shame for wasting our time together.  My daughter’s loss has taught me to cherish my time with the man I love, minute by minute.

Mia Burlesque Photo by Sybil Minelli

Bisous, Mon Amour,

Mia

“To be free, as I then knew myself to be, is to realize that all conquest is vain, even the conquest of self, which is the last act of egotism. To be joyous is to carry the ego to its last summit and to deliver it triumphantly. To know peace is total: it is the moment after, when the surrenderer is complete, when there is no longer even the consciousness of surrender. Peace is at the center and when it is attained the voice issues forth in praise and benediction. Then the voice carries far and wide, to the outermost limits of the universe. Then it heals, because it brings light and the warmth of compassion.” – Henry Miller

The Wisdom Of Henry Miller – Quote Number One – From HM’s Book, Your Capricorn Friend

I will continue to post quotes from Henry’s Books as often as I can, as I edit my manuscript, Mia Loves Henry Miller, Book Number One – A collection of erotic letters addressed to Henry Miller.

I look forward to starting letters to Henry Miller again.

PromoMialovesHenrym01MiaBurlesquedress1 (2)

Mialoveshenrymiller – Letter 50 – Je T’aime Mon Amour, Henry Miller – Journeys and Mysteries

Mialoveshenrymiller – Letter 50 – Je T’aime Mon Amour, Henry Miller – Journeys and Mysteries

Miasnow01

(This is the last letter in my first book of letters to Henry Miller)

I am writing this letter at 12/10/2012 at 3:06 PM

Dear Henry,

“One thing I learned as a writer,” I charged at Victor, “is to be unyielding true to myself and my characters.  An author should write for his conscience alone with a sense of eternity, as if he were writing his testament. There will always be an audience—bigger than you think—for those you suggest I should suppress, the honest reader will appreciate me for.” – Corneliu Mitrache, A Marquise Of Our Time.

dantes_inferno

I apologize for not writing sooner, Henry. I have felt lost inside the metaphorical world of Dante’s Aligheri’s blazing Inferno.  My inner demons have been nightmarish – my nights and days happened to be filled with heartache and intense headaches that made me feel dead to the world.  I have felt this way for more than six months. This is why my letters to you are not consistent.  I have roamed aimlessly through midnight dark, frightening forests and the poetic nine circles of Hell.  I am now finding Dante’s Paradiso, slowly minute by minute and day by day.  If I had the time to paint, I would create a portrait of the angel Beatrice, who would be guiding me out of my agonizing darkness.  For many months, weeks, days and minutes, I refused to write to you until I had something worth writing about.  I wanted to end this book with a positive ending.

Dante'sBeatriceenthroned

After trying many headache medications, over the course of many months, I found one that would permit me to live a quality of life.  It’s a seizure med that dulls my physical pain, keeping me feeling alert and non-foggy.  If I remain active, I feel relief.  My days are now filled with Tai Chi and physical therapy and multiple Tens Units glued and pulsing like electronic drums upon my body.  My soul feels reawakened.  I am happy and dancing burlesque again on Ground Zero Night Club’s stage.  To me, it feels sensational to my mind, body and spirit.  As long as I keep moving forward, I feel better, minute by minute.  As long as I look towards the future, or simply remain quiet in the moment, instead of revisiting the past, I instinctively know that I will find more adventures and eroticism, moving onward and upward as I forge forward upon my path in life.  I am fighting for life once again – this time with extreme determination and my utmost passion.

henrymiller10

I never imagined writing this last letter to you would be so difficult.  It is time for me to let you go for awhile, and move onward, step by step to finish this book.  I still have much to do.  Would you believe that this is the fourth attempt for me to compose this letter to you?  It has been way to long since I last wrote to you. (My sincere apologies to my readers who follow this blog) I have missed you, Henry.  After my sudden break up with Mr. B. – I have existed in a hopeless, dark and dreary season that lasted for many months, as if I lived in Seattle in the rain –  I am grateful to have Mr. C to love me unconditionally and help me pick up the pieces after the break- up of a long, polyamorous love affair, and understand my bereavement.

Before I became so lost in the depths of the Inferno, Mr. C tugged me out of the darkness before I withered like a flower out of bloom.  There was the point in my life, during the last few weeks of my utmost darkness, when I was attempting to fight my way out of Hell and push onward through Purgatory, when my husband demonstrated his genuine love for me.

He said with strength, love, confidence, conviction and understanding, “Enough Mia, you are no longer you.  I love your passion to live.  It is time for you to live your life with passion, once again. Move forward baby.  Move forward. I want my Mia back.”

Prior to that specific moment in time, for many days and nights, I was plummeting into a dim, Aligherian world.  My soul was tossed into the blazing Inferno, unexpectedly.  There were many days of roaming in fear inside dark forests.  I had to find my inner strength to slay my emotional and metaphorical demons. For over fifteen years, I have always tried to live my life to the fullest, regardless of what comes my way.  I have never imagined to surrender to weakness because I had to overcome so many emotional dramas and obstacles that I have recently encountered, as I neared the end of writing this first collection of letters to you.

I have always imagined you, Henry Miller, fitting somewhere into my life as if it was destiny.  I fantasized every moment of my waking day about writing this book of letters to you for more than one decade.  I could not get you out of my blood, my mind, and from the depths of my soul.  Regardless of what people may think of me as share my liberated experiences with the world, I honestly do not care.  I had to write this book – I have been captivated by an erotic spell.  I have greatly desired to write these honest and open letters to you about my amorous life, for a very long time.  I have traveled with you, within my heart, soul and imagination for over a year now – writing and documenting my past and present memories, and telling you with written words about my provocative life, whenever I found the time.  I wanted to fulfill your wish for letters which derive from pretty Asian woman.

Happy Anniversary Vintage Card Front Preview

Happy Belated Anniversary Henry!   I started writing you letters on December 4th, 2011.  That is when I began this blog.  I was encouraged by my step daughter to start a blog and to write about what I know. Please pardon me from being so late to write to you my last letter in this book. I never believed that my past one year of writing fifty letters to you, would have me climbing large, metaphorical rocky mountains, lowering my soul into the depths of darkness and uncertainty.  I have journeyed upon the paths of life’s unexplored valleys, and learned to walk peacefully on mid – level terrains.  I have fallen in love with my unexpected dramas and the erotic escapades that I have explored and which I have experienced as I have lived my life as a strong, confident, liberated, and passionate woman.  (We also have over ten thousand hits on our blog in just one year – I feel so lucky!)

I say (we) because it is what you have left behind in your enlightening literature, your sexual books, and your words written in letters to your friends around the world and America.  You have inspired me to write these letters to you, about my dramatic life.  Anais Nin was a great influence to me, as well as many other prolific authors.  Thank you for being my muse and departing behind beautiful, wise written pages about your journeys, adventures, erotic escapades, your life’s mysteries, your knowledge and sharing your merry and bright mind, soul, and heart.  I have learned so much from you, Henry Miller.  I have fantasized for a long time that you and I would exchange our energy, knowledge, incite and erotogenic visions, choreographed with written words, from one cosmic plane to the other.   What would living be like if we did not use our imaginations?

Your spirit often reminds me of a poem which I wrote a very long time ago.  It reminds me of you, because your spirit is like wind.  I can feel you, but I cannot see you.   I hope that you will like it.

NYCwind

They Call Her Wind

She whistles when aurora crawls upon a pink horizon

She caresses when the night licks upon a starry eventide

Her airy kiss hithers when she dances passed Orion

An existence with a name

Yet, her presence hides.

She moves a tree’s leafy arms with her fluttered breath

She moves through my hair with a whirlwind breeze

She feeds the earth with Mother Nature’s Chinook breasts

She talks in whispers to the willow tree.

At times her temper rattles upon a window pane

Her anguish can scream upon vast prairie land

You cannot see her

Yet, you may feel her pain

They call her Wind

And she’ll touch you with a tempest hand.

You’ve never seen her

Yet you feel her near

Her breath touches you most of time

She’s an existence who has a name

But no face

To the eyes invisible

Yet, to the heart sublime. – Mia

I started reading another one of your books this morning while I was taking a long, hot bath, The Air Conditioned Nightmare. I am finished with CM’s book, A Marquise Of Our Time.  The poor book appears abused, but remains close by me.  I want to feel the energy of this author’s imagination and visually see how I devoured his story word for word.

loft01

I am at my artist loft, lavishing in silence and self reflection.  I have been here for a couple of days.  I fondly think of your past charisma, your wisdom, your bravery, and the acquiescing trust which you possessed when you and your artist friend, Abe Rattner, began your adventure upon the black tarry roads, barely knowing how to drive, with hardly any money in your shallow pockets, and daringly began your American Adventures.  Your words are significant and profound to me.  I can trust moving forward in life, even if I have no clue how I will make my dreams materialize.  I just have to believe in my purpose and acquiesce to life as it moves so quickly forward.  I will just do it and permit the Universe to find a way to give me what I require, in some kind of way via object, book, or a  life experience.  I might make a warm connection and absorb the knowledge which I learn from another person.  A friendships might be bonded, if only for short moment.  And, if I am aware enough, I might be capable of experiencing the love from another human being –  and make a deep connection.  I want to remain open to life and to whatever might cross my path as I move forward.

I find the beginning of your book intriguing and hypnotic.  I crave to take a hot bath all day long, just so that I can enthrall myself into your story and rattling opinions.  To me, your written words have a strong voice.  Your words captivate my soul, mind and heart.  I read about your bitter sweet moments, as I travel across America with you.  Your words and phrases and long running paragraphs are full of passion, opinion and honesty.  That is what I like most about your writing.  I love how you openly love and you hate America.  I get it.  The United States are not perfect, but we do have our good moments and people.  We are all not wasteful, egotistical idiots.   Some of us do live life to the fullest.  Mr. C and I are all about making our lives count.  We don’t get much quality time for each other, yet we have the liberation to live our lives the way we were intended to live – happily, passionately, and intensely.  We feel it is important to have purpose and love what you do in life – this is the only life you have at this particular moment in time.

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I felt your panic as you wrote about how wanted to run away from your fears and flee to Paris once more – in a city that intoxicated you.  I often loathe that state of Minnesota, especially the hard winters and I do love NYC, while you hated that city.  We all see life differently.  And if you step back far enough, you see everything as a Universal whole.   I love much of the U.S. and I love to take road trips – especially with Mr. C.  Where was your sense to let go and just enjoy your adventure, and view it like the artist you were?  Henry, America may suck.  But for me, it is better than living in the severity, control, hate and bitterness of North Korea.  I love what I see, regardless of the ignorance of some people and how they see minorities.  Every part of the world has its flaws and perfections.  Every piece and imperfection fits somewhere upon an over sized piece of canvas.  There are so many intricate sizes, shapes, forms, depths, shades, colors, and images artistically choreographed and created with great, human imagination.  Where you see ugliness in America, I see things as they are, nothing more, nothing less.  I see the beauty and the ugliness.  We see it everywhere we travel. It is life and life is drama. I learn to love everything just the way it is, much like I view every kind of person.

I made the mistake of bringing a first edition of this book into the tub with me early this morning, as the sun was continuing to rising slowly upon the Midwestern sky…silly me….I won’t be ravishing the vintage book in the tub anymore.  I found another used copy of, The Air Conditioned Nightmare, sitting upon my IKEA book shelf in my loft.  It’s a book that I have permission to ravish, much like the younger gentleman from San Francisco, who erotically enraptured me for hours one winter evening in Downtown Minneapolis, many years ago, prior to giving me this book, and several others of your books, such as a First Edition copy of your book, Stand Still Like the Hummingbird, which he bought in a San Francisco book store, and then brought them to me in the Twin Cities, as gifts for me.  I will tell you more about this intriguing, stimulating encounter in upcoming letters.

I have not told you yet, that Mr. C bought me one of your rare books about a month ago.  It’s your book, “The Nightmare Notebook,” which is a book containing your notes before you wrote, The Air Conditioned Nightmare.  I love it because only 700 copies exist.  I always hunt for the HM books I don’t have.  I am so delighted when I do find one that I don’t already possess. In your book, The Nightmare Notebook, many of your words are ineligible  and written with sloppy, quick squiggled handwriting, much like my handwriting is, but there is a unique kind of energy to your book, when I hold it and delicately flip my fingertips through the vintage pages, trying to read a word, here and there, which you have scribbled down upon paper.  My impressions and emotions in regards to your book are difficult to explain in words.  It is a feeling – a nice, spine tingling sensation.  I know that I will cherish it because it was the beginning to your American journey.  I will also cherish it because it was a very romantic gesture from Mr. C.

I received your rare, limited edition book, as an anniversary gift from Mr. C. – the man whom I love deeply.  I think my husband is charming, handsome, sound, serene, intelligent, charismatic, and a wonderful man, who loves me and would do anything for me to make me happy.  I would gratefully do the same for him.   To me, my husband seems to me to be simular to Anais Nin’s husband, Hugo.  Mr. C has always been there for me, arriving right when I needed him the most, especially when a love affair with a rich, older man has abruptly ceased.  It reminds me of the end of the erotic movie, by Phillip Kaufman, Henry and June.  Only I don’t like to keep secrets from Mr. C.  I openly write these letters as he remains alive.  He gives me the greatest gift of all, love and liberation.  I don’t require a large diamond ring.  What Mr. C gives me is something that cannot be purchased with money, and I feel rich for the love and experience.  We have never had a monogamous marriage.  I have always been a free spirit.  And, I truly believe that Mr. C genuinely loves me for who I am.

“Midway in our life’s journey, I went astray

From the straight road I woke to find myself

Alone in a dark wood, how shall I say

What would that was! I never saw so drear

So rank, so arduous a wilderness!

Its very memory gives a shape to fear

Death could scarce, be more bitter than that place!

But, since it came to good, I will recount

All that I found revealed there, by God’s grace.” – Dante’s Inferno, Canto I, lines one through nine.

I recently finished the remarkable book, A Marquis Of Our Time, by Corneliu Mitrache.   I stretched out the last, several pages of his book for as long as I could confine my curiosity.  I did not want his story to end.  I adore his writing.  I ravished his book as I took many hot baths at my loft, twice per day, for several weeks, to sooth my aching feet after long hours of dance rehearsals for my burlesque shows.  The pages of CM’s book are badly water stained.  I feel almost ashamed about how bad I ruined this author’s book.  I could not help myself.  I loved the words, the phrases, the paragraphs and the chapters. Everything that I loved in this book, are now underlined in ink.  Even the front and back cover are severely curled.  The book looks like an artistic mess.  I call this piece, Ravished Upon Russian and Romanian Snow.  RavishedMarquiseonsnow03

I want to tell you how this passionate author has been like my Virgil – a guide in my poetic world – my metaphorical pilot with written words, to fly me out of Hell.  I felt CM’s spirit through his love story in Paris, as well as his prolific imagination. His phrases and poetic lines joined me on the river banks of Acheron, his Romanian heart and English words, leading me through the depths of darkness, fear, and fire.  However, due to heartache, I departed for awhile, taking the dismal ferry alone.  I paid my coin to Charon, floating and drifting in a foggy, painful existence, ignoring this author’s book for quite some time.  I weakly gave into self-pity.  I also felt too depressed to even send an email to my new, European, email friend.  I will explain more about this gentleman who I met upon my journey, as I was writing my letters to you in the next book.  I have met a wonderful friend as I journeyed with you over the past year.  I am grateful. We have been communicating to each other via email for many months.  He is also a writer like I am and loves the theater probably more than I do.

Dante'sLimbo

For many months, my soul was stuck in limbo, ignoring CM’s book as I continued to sulk in desperation and silence.  On the evening when my husband spoke his amorous words to me, I found the inner strength to grip onto life once again, and to plant my feet steadily in the dark, moist dirt of the earth.  I can recall falling deeper into the depths of Dante’s poetic world, and found a way to immerse myself in deep examination and self revelation.  After my bereavement ceased from my parting from Mr. B, which lasted for too many months, I took a self-inventory of myself and decided to fight for life again.  I did not want to live in the legendary Dante’s Inferno and poetic world any longer.  I screamed and searched for a metaphorical escape.  I picked up Corneliu Mitrache’s book once again and Virgil was at my side, leading me to the ninth circle of Hell – CM’s written words became my almighty sword to slay my inner-demons.

Here are the last emails Mr. B and I recently exchanged. We don’t communicate often.  He cut me off like an opiate.  I give you my sincerest apologies to you Henry and to my readers.   I cannot expose everything in these emails.  I need to keep the mystery in these letters.

December 6, 2012

Dear Mr. B.

Happy Holidays!  I wish you another successful and happy year!  I just wanted to let you know that I am feeling stronger and better every day.  My headaches are subsiding.  I am on a new medication that gives me a quality life that keeps me fairly pain free.  My headaches are minimal if I keep active.  I am eating again, trying to gain some weight. I am starting to feel like my darkness has ended and I am ready to kick ass on life and success.

Thank you so much for everything!  You will always have a special place in my heart!  Even though our ties are severed and our journey has ended.

I thank you so much for the wonderful, erotogenic excursion!  I thank you for everything you have given and offered me.  I thank you for loving me.

Very Sincerely,

Mia

I had to  mentally and emotionally say, “Goodbye,” to Mr. B, silently in my mind as I ended my email letter to him.  Slow and salty tears dripped with melancholy down my cheeks and the muscles in my jaws unconsciously trembled, twitched and tensed.  I could not get the muscles in my face to relax.  I could not halt my fleeting thoughts and emotions.  I had to find a way to surrender to the moment before a massive headache overwhelmed and exhausted me. I had to let it all go.  I finally came to terms with that there would no longer be an affair with Mr. B.

Mr. B’s Reply, Dec 6, 2012

Hi, Mia —

Happy holidays to you!  I’m so pleased you have found something that helps and you’re feeling stronger.  That’s the most important thing.

Thank you to all that you gave to me.  You will always be with me.

My life has changed a lot.  My sex drive has plummeted, as has my ability to perform.  I’m spending loads of time on work.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, blah blah blah blah.  But it’s good sweat.

I hope that you have a happy holiday season and get all of the success you deserve!

Sincerely,

Mr. B

Dante'sCelestialrose

The charming father figure who I used to call, my Nabokov’s Humbert, had once filled my life with love and extreme eroticism.  Our torrid love affair has slipped away like water slipping through my hands.  It can never be re-lived.  The story has ended.  There is no sequel.  It was a nice, long, adventurous journey with Mr B.  It’s time that I put my passionate memories of our time together away, and tuck them deep inside a black velvet box.  I will put it away for awhile on a cosmic shelf somewhere high in the Universe.  After I put my love affair to rest, I found myself opening up like a flower in the early spring, welcoming the warmth and the sun. Soon, I became closer to my pen pal paramour.  The hundreds of words, phrases, paragraphs and sentences which he and I have privately sent in emails somehow had awoken me and now I presently observe my life differently.  I found myself purging some of my dark, childhood memories without an audience, to a man an ocean away.  I was personally slaying the monsters and inner demons in Dante’s Hellish dimension, which poetically floats like a fictional star in space and time.

I knew by my pen pal paramour’s written replies, as I neared the end of CM’s book, that I needed to let go of everything that I could not control in my life.  Once again Virgil, my guide in my Divine Comedy, was by my side, with the companionship of CM’s story and written words.  I was nearing the end of a beautiful, bitter sweet, Romanian/Russian/Parisian love story. His dramatic characters walked with me as I struggled through the marshes of the River Styx.  And they told me it was okay to let go and enjoy the bitter sweet in life.  To view all the emotions of an intense love affair which has abruptly ceased, much like a chapter in a book or an unexpected ending.  Basically, it has been said in many written novels and books that life is full of journeys and mysteries.  CM’s bitter sweet, straight to the heart story was written by a virile man who has lived an amazing life. (his bio is quite astounding) I admire him, as well as his work.  His charismatic story made me laugh, sigh and even cry, as I finished the very last page of, A Marquis Of Our Time.  My journey with this author has ended.  My journey across America with you Henry is a new beginning and another adventure.

I have been reigniting my love life with Mr. C.  It feels good to occasionally fuck him and play our kinky, bondage games in the privacy of our loft!  We sometimes spend our nights there, our soul – mate bodies wrapped tightly around each other, our hearts beating upon each other’s naked, heaving chests, after experiencing intense, sexual activity.  And we still passionately embrace, after we have mind- blowing sex.  I sleep in his arms all night long without four dogs to crowd us. Our sexual life continues to be amazing.  I am grateful. I wish Mr. C and I had more time together.  My husband is still very busy with work, helping to build a global company.  I still have my loft in the city for the time being.  It is my private tower full of paint, books, canvas’, brushes, and a myriad of glorious pieces of vibrant art work decorating many of my walls.  And, I have my computer to use to write letters to you or do show business stuff, or to just watch a favorite movie.  I also have an abundance of light – rays of sunshine glimmering through my large, picturesque windows and a warm, welcoming fireplace.  Mr. C and I are only a few miles away from each other, as we each work throughout the day.   On a warm day, I will sometimes walk to his office to surprise him.  I’m looking forward to the light rail.  I wonder when it will be finished?

I am unsure if we will renew our loft’s lease for another year.  When I question Mr. C about it, he says with a smile in his eyes, “Mia, darling, I’m not saying at this point in time, that I want to give up the loft.”  There is a small flutter of hope in my heart.  There is a spark of happiness in my deep, chocolate brown eyes. I am savoring my pleasures of my loft, at this moment in time.  It’s sinful!  In this very minute, I am so happy!  My future is a mystery as I continue forward with my life.  I love mysteries and I love being married to my private gumshoe.

My artist loft is deeply loved; it’s my intimate love nest, my serene sanctuary, my own art space, a private place to share with my husband, or to possibly share with an intimate lover.  It’s a place where I can bask in bright rays of sunlight.  I am aware of the sounds of the city down below, which enlivens me like caffeine charging through my soul.  My heart pounds hard for the future – as if a wild herd of buffalo charging over the Dakota Mountains.

groupfarrago01

We had an amazing burlesque show this past Friday Night – 12-7-12 – at Ground Zero Nightclub in NE Minneapolis.  We had a high energy, appreciative crowd. THANKS TO ALL OF OUR BELOVED FANS! I love nights like this.  Our show was full of entertaining talent and sizzling hot, sexy drama and passionate energy!  I love that stage more than anything!  I love the messy dressing room, the burly- girl drama, the hard work, the creativity and the amazing passion, which is produced onstage one time per month by a cast of many talents!  I don’t have a car. I don’t go shopping.  But, I have invested in an adventure.  I have a story to tell.  I have experienced producing a quality burlesque show on a large, familiar stage, which I had fantasized about for many years as I danced my nights away high on a catwalk inside Ground Zero Nightclub.  I will not give up just yet.  I look hopefully to the future that my show will continue on.

Farragocast

I wanted to share an email I sent to my pen pal paramour, after the show.  I felt so high afterwards – I could not sleep. I had the incessant urge to write to my European confidante.  Every performer appeared on top of their game, and a high profile, Twin Cities Entertainment Magazine, The City Pages, came to photograph behind the scenes of our show, as well as what was being performed on stage.  They graciously exploited Dr. Farrago’s Burlesque Theater with a gorgeous internet slide show, compliments of RMD from B-Fresh Photography.  It makes for a nice, happy ending to this book – a little taste of success can go a long ways.  It is encouraging to me.

(To my readers of this blog – if you would like to see a slide show of our cast and Dr. Farrago’s Burlesque Theater show…Please check out this slide show.  Photography done my RMD at B-Fresh Photography –


Dr. Farrago’s Burlesque Theater: Behind-the-Scenes [NSFW], 12/7/12 – Minneapolis – Slideshows

For MJ’s Milk -n- Glitter Number, which I am describing below in an email letter to my pen pal paramour, at 3:30 am, after I took a shower to remove the glitter and milk from my body)

http://www.citypages.com/slideshow/jean-bardots-milk-and-glitter-performance-nsfw–38307658/

MJ is quite the woman! I laugh and I’m entertained as she enters back stage, beautiful and larger than life.  She brings a huge blow up; kiddie pool to the burlesque show last night, arriving after cast call, gives it to my stage managers and says, “Blow this up.”  I can’t believe that several of the guys backstage accomplished this enormous task by the end of the night. MJ’s number was the last number on the show roster.  She and HZ and CS, had performed the cutest number to the song, Coin Operated Boy, earlier in the show. I was highly entertained.  It tickled me to see some of the performers in my old burlesque costumes, which I had passed down to some of the girls who I have known for a very long time.  MJ’s last performance was the finale of our show.  It took approximately three hours to blow up this inflatable, colorful, plastic pool by mouth and human breath.  I felt sorry for the guys who worked so hard to please and assist her.  However, her performances onstage tonight was memorable and astounding.   No one really seemed to mind.

 I admire how MJ is still so full of life.  My eyes can never tire of her stoic and graceful performances.  I love when she comes out on stage in a red Geisha robe and matching Asian parasol.  My eyes drink her in deeply – she is sensuous, intoxicating and sizzling hot!  Next, she undresses slowly and artistically.  Her robe falls like a silk fountain to the floor.  MJ is so bewitching as she dips herself gracefully and glamorously into the pool.   She’s now very scantily clad in black and red, Asian lingerie.  The crowd gasps as she finishes stripping.  Their eyes are wide and their mouths are open, cheering or gasping.  Some of the audience member’s are dropping their jaws, low and wide, because they are stuck in a state of awe.  Neither the audience’s eyes nor mine could stop from staring as she elegantly poured vintage, glass bottles of creamy white milk down her body slowly and provocatively.  MJ’s performance was flawless and entrancing. She appeared so sumptuous performing her Milk -n- Glitter number.  I never tire seeing her perform this.

Suddenly, the crowd grows wild.  A small crowd of happy people storm the front of the stage with tips of money waving in their titillated hands.  MJ desperately wants to please them, but continues on with her dance – to remain in cue with her music.  She has her own personal cues and her erotic music will end soon.  The people near the stage are MJ’s friends and they stretch their bodies as far as they could, mid-stage.  Anxious hands tug on the top of the colorful, kiddie – pool, which tips in their direction, splashing milk and saturating themselves and the Ground Zero stage.  MJ is laughing and hooting and giving the people near the stage the attention they seek and taking the time to take their tips, as graciously as she can.

When MJ quickly escapes her fans and friends, she eventually gets the opportunity to finish her number.  MJ dances and moves so lasciviously, pouring the remaining bottles of thick milk down her long, lean body.  Soon, it began to shower sparkles which appeared to flit in the air around her luscious body like happy, tiny fire flies.  A rain shower of sparkles poured over her glamorous, glimmering, wet, milk laden body, with a downfall of beautiful, shimmering, eye catching, gold glitter.

The music ends.  Her number is not finished. I can see on her face that MJ is not happy.  She is continuing onward with determination and disgust, pouring milk down her glossy black locks of glamorous hair.  Milk is dripping quickly downward and blinding MJ’s eyes.  Before she is completely canopied by what American Television ads and glossy, magazine ads portray as Milk – It Does a Body Good, she is glaring and snarling at the DJ booth hoping that they will re-start her music.  I am on the catwalk, where I used to Go-Go dance, dangling my head downward and staring so hard in the direction of the DJ booth, hoping that they could telepathically hear my thoughts, “RESTART THE MUSIC!”

Somehow MJ finds the energy and her zone to get past having to do the rest of her number in silence.  Suddenly, the roar of the crowd becomes her music and inspiration.  She appears so sexy when she finishes with a big finale, pouring the last bit of glitter down her tall, elegant, stoic, long and lean body.  The lighting is perfect!  Thank you to the GZ crew and my show manager!  I often think that the smoke machines smell gross, but the appearance of them appear as if come-hither like fog – as we all perform on stage.  It adds a sense of mystery to our show.  On this most recent show night, I thought MJ appeared so glamorous under the rays of well staged lighting and puffs of fake, chemical fog – the crowd grew so animated and enthralled!

When MJ’s act is finally finished, she is full of milk and glitter and she rubs her shimmering, wet body all over everyone who encounters her path, as she makes her way back stage, including my husband.  She and he are close.  I am okay with that.  He is generally the first to be inflicted by Milk –n- Glitter by her, and he always loves it.  He does not mind that he is now covered with an overload of gold sparkles, which plaster him from his black fedora, to his happy face, and upon his black leather coat.  Mr. C does not even mind  the small splashes of Milk –n- glitter upon his worn, black leather shoes.

RebeccaM01

When the show ended and I rushed offstage after curtain call, to remove the tables off the dance floor, run clear plastic cups, some still filled with melting ice, diluted liquor, and thin, colorful, plastic straws, to the bar.  Rapidly, I was assisting my show staff with the large task of removing our red table cloths, which we have to pull quickly from each table.  The red table clothes, which took Mr. C hours to launder while I rehearsed at the loft for several weeks.  After cast call, I recall my mind and body rushing like a Greyhound dog chasing a mechanical rabbit around a race track.  I was in such a hurry.  I helped some faithful staff refold them, so that we put them away in a large storage container.  The night club employees and the Farrago staff are often rushed after a show, removing the tables as rapidly as we can, so that the remaining guests can dance, until the night club closes.  When I was done with clearing the floor and packing up my stuff, I practically crawled up the stage steps, entering the back stage area.  My legs trembled as I descended the back stage, dressing room steps.   I still had much to do.  My night was not over and my mind was racing with my internal task list, which I need to remember in order to end my show and send my tired cast home.

 Suddenly I was spellbound.  Before I knew it I was trapped like a glamorous spider catches a vulnerable fly.  I was hypnotized, strolling past MJ, who shimmered so brightly in gold glitter that it hurt my eyes.  She is appearing frisky and fierce in her simple white cotton bath robe, hoping to contain her mess until she can take a shower.  She’s riding the high of her performances.  And she should!  I always love to see MJ perform.  She graces the stage with her unique energy, talent, and burlesque beauty.  She is a  Minneapolis, Burlesque legend.  She is the Queen of Ground Zero!  She and I were doing burlesque at GZ before the burlesque revival began in Minneapolis.

I often feel cosmically connected to MJ.  She’s been a huge inspiration for me for over a decade.  I often adore her.  On this night my passion and free spirit could not be confined.  I felt adoration as I observed MJ’s beautiful face sparkle with thick coat of gold glitter when I sauntered past her with aching legs and feet, so that I could talk with my dependable, show manager, J.M.  We needed to figure out our show payout.  It’s now after one a.m.  My performers are exhausted and are continuing to wait patiently to get paid.  The dressing room is full.  Without warning, MJ stretches out on the ragged couch back stage and grabs me firmly with her long, lean legs and holds my body tightly against hers.  Her skin, which is smooth as silk, peeks out from her white, cotton bathrobe.  My eyes sparkle like her gold glitter and my heart races with raw stimulation.  MJ’s determined and her strong legs are presently wrapped  salaciously around my fatigued body.  My rubbery legs and weak body attempt to struggle and fight for release – attempting to escape and move onward with show business.  However, her long, lean, muscular legs are strong and steel – like.  Her legs are a vicious weapon – an impossibly strong vice.  I cannot escape like Houdini from intricate handcuffs beneath water.

Once more, I observed my remaining cast who are impatient and want to be paid their small fee of 35 dollars per number. That is all that I can afford.  I actually gave them five dollars extra for the Holidays.  I normally can only afford to pay 30 dollars for one number, sometimes only 25 dollars for a majority of my cast.  I also pay for the crew, guest performers, higher paid performers with bigger names, and advertising out of my personal budget.  I sacrifice and work hard at what I do.  And I love living the life as a passionate woman who has lived some of her life on stage being a Minneapolis, burlesque star.  I’d rather have this experience than high fashion clothes and fast, fancy cars.  I am never bored.  I like life this way.

I’m returning to my story about MJ in the dressing room, backstage.  This amazing woman who is renown around the world as a top Dominatrix and an icon in the fetish film and photography industry, is down to earth tonight, and is suddenly extremely intimate with me.  Mr. C observes from the top of the back stage stairs, containing his hard-on with class and respect for MJ, whose behavior is much like a sensuous cat in heat.  I love to please him with unexpected, carnal visions.  I love MJ when she is larkish, wicked and insousiant.  On this particular evening, my body swooned with ardor and salacious energy, when I felt her playful hands press my body so firmly against hers.  I no longer cared about her Milk -n- Glitter mess.  I was in shock when she wantonly pressed my head so firmly and dominately to her glittering breasts.  I now have glitter in my eyes and in my mouth and it is inescapably in my ear canals and dark curly hair.  I daringly call her a bitch a few times as I try to escape…she is calm, yet stern.  I am pushing buttons I probably should not.  Impulsively, I bit her right nipple with  erotic instinct and human nature.  It was delicious.  I did not care if I would be punished.

Now her hands are firmly gripping my ass.  We stare at each other with female rapacity – the Dominant against the submissive.  My zipping atoms and rushing blood cells explode  inside my body with fervid emotions and unleashed desires. I felt an arousing sensation of warm, rushing tingles, when she tells me she has a new toy she wants to try on me.  I raise my eyebrows with curiosity and grin so naughtily.   Much of my cast is still waiting for pay and I can’t escape.  Eventually MJ releases me, bored I cannot provide any more entertainment for her.  I can’t go further, I have business to tend to.  I am no longer useful.  I am grateful and I rush off with a horny ache in between my fatigued, yet, overheated sex.  My black lace panties were soiled from this late night.  It was a titillating, fleeting moment with MJ.  I stain those moments into my memory when they occur.  I finally pay my cast and begin the large task of taking down the show, and out loading our equipment.  Yet, my aching feet floated on air with a large grin on my face, spreading from ear to ear.  I am so very high from show!  I absolutely LOVE nights like this.

Good night, Mon Ami, must sleep, Mia.

DantesShewolf

I must emphasize again, it was a great show to help make a happy ending to my book!  Prior to my reawakening, I went into recluse for many months, battling demons and monsters, moving beyond obstacles and climbing upwards again towards a new look on life.  My life is an amazing journey, which I may only have a short time to experience.  I intend to live intensely.  I refuse to give up living my life with purpose and passion.  I have passed this philosophy down to some of my children.  I feel good about that. I may not have the most glamorous attire, or fancy car, but I live a race-y, artsy, amorous and glamorous life!   I am looking forward to my next adventure.   I still have so many old adventures to tell you about my life, Henry.  My letters to you, ma chère Henry, are not over.  I am just taking a little repose, before I start Mia Loves Henry Miller, Book Number 2.  My life is all about journeys and mysteries.  I cannot wait for another mysterious adventure to begin.

As I have been re-reading the letters which I have been writing to you, getting them ready for editing,  I observe that I converse about my headaches often, or sometimes an illness.  I almost thought about deleting all of my sentences and paragraphs which communicate about the flaws in my body and portray only a perfect type of healthy woman.  After many hours of deep thought, I decided that I don’t want to be portrayed as perfect.  I just want to be portrayed as me – the real me.  We are all made of the good and the bad.  It’s what gives us character.  If my readers will step back far enough and really observe in their mind’s eye – they will see that I am like a beautiful, Frida Kahlo portrait, full of pain and pleasure.  frida-kahlo-the-two-fridas-c-1939

Now, that the show is over, my exhaustion overwhelms me.  My body aches and my feet throb uncomfortably.  I am soaking in a hot, bath tub, in the silence at my loft, a few days after our show.  I have another burlesque show to rehearse and perform in on this upcoming Thursday night.  It was nice to be invited by another local Burlesque troupe.  I’m in my artistic tower which crowds the Twin Cities’ skyline – my view is balancing between St. Paul and Minneapolis.  My thoughts often drift in between the pages of the book I am avidly reading.  Soon, I find myself drifting into a very nice day dream.  The hot waves of water are accompanied with large doses of Baking Soda to soothe my aches and pains from dancing and writing for long hours.  My body relaxes, submerged in water, and I imagine, “Paris 2013.”

I fantasize about getting off the plane at Charles De Gualle airport.  I feel a bit lost.  It’s been a long flight.  I am dressed comfortably in faded jeans, black, worn and comfortable, Nike tennis shoes, and a colorful layer of several shirts beneath a short, smooth, black leather coat.  I am trying to find my way to the luggage area, following people I do not know.  My eyes digest the assortment of people who are walking hypnotically, attired in a variety of American and European fashions.  French, the language of love is spoken all around me, echoing like poetry in my ears.  The myriad of people are in a hurry, their assortment of colorful, fashionable shoes shuffle, skip and scurry forward, as if they know where to go.  I follow them and I finally find my way to the luggage area.  And I wait for my bags to appear upon the airport carousel.

Prior to the plane landing, I had been reading a compelling story sent to me in a PDF file, which I had printed upon many sheets of paper, days prior to departing Minneapolis/St. Paul.  It was written by a good friend, whom I met upon this amazing, literary journey, as I was writing my letters to you, Henry. He is also a big fan of yours.  Everyone around the world seems to be.  You have departed wonderful literature behind, imprinting your soul into our future. This author’s story has completely entertained me upon my long flight, distracting the discomfort of sitting too long. My thoughts kept flashing to the main character in this story.  I’m intoxicated and I am enamored with this significant and prolific author’s written words.  I cannot escape how I feel.

Mialipstickmirror

Suddenly, an amorous whisper blows gently past my ear, and I hear a handsome gentleman softly speak with a European accent, “Bon Jour, Mon chère, Mia.

I turn slowly, inhaling the musky scent of Drakkar Noir. My heart races – it is him – my pen pal paramour.  I am breathless.  I want to fall into the depths of Paris’ artistic and literary world with him.  I want to breathe in his ingenuity and his passion for literature and theater.  He can show me things that I have always fantasized or read about in novels. I want to experience a journey filled with romance, if only for a small segment in time and space.  I desire to live my adventurous life for as long as I possibly can. Experiencing mystery and new journeys in life is what life should be! I am so glad that I am feeling stronger every day and my dark travels have ended.  I feel merry and bright for taking this journey over this past year with you, my spiritual paramour – my dear Henry Miller.  Thank you for your inspiration and this passionate, literary journey.

I must end this letter and take a long, hot bath.  It is now 11:41 p.m. on 12/11/12.  I feel a rush of accomplishment. This first collection of letters written to you, is finally complete!  My muscles are still sore from Friday night’s show and for writing for long hours over the past few days on your last letter.  I felt determined to live my dreams and finish this first book of letters, written to you,Henry. This past Friday night I danced onstage with great strength and new energy.  I feel balanced emotionally.  I am at peace again.  I look forward to performing my dance number again on Thursday evening for another burlesque show.  Your book, The Air Conditioned Nightmare, is waiting for me.  Are you ready for me to ravish your words?

I will miss you as I get this manuscript ready.  I will write ASAP.

Je T’aime Mon Amour, Henry Miller

Avec tout mon couer – with all of my heart

Mia catwomanmia02

  but mine were not the wings for such a flight.
Yet, as I wished, the truth I wished for came 

cleaving my mind in a great flash of light.

Here my powers rest from their high fantasy,
but already I could feel my being turned –
instinct and intellect balanced equally

as in a wheel whose motion nothing jars –
by the Love that moves the sun and other stars.

The Divine Comedy
1308-1320

The Divine Comedy art work was created by Gustave Dore – 1832- 1883

Dr. Farrago’s Burlesque Theater art work by the talented Timmah Pacello

Photography by Charles Jennings, Corrine Standish, and Rebecca McDonald from B-Fresh Photography.   Thank you City Pages!  We love your support!! ❤

Miainshow01edit

Mialoveshenrymiller – Letter 49 – B is also for Burlesque, Belly Dancing, Bend It like Beckham, The Benson Hotel, and Two Bad Girls

mia loves henry miller

mialoveshenrymiller

Letter 49 – B is also for Burlesque, Belly Dancing, Bend It like Beckham, The Benson Hotel, and Two Bad Girls

I’m writing this letter on 7/20/2012 at 12:01 p.m.

Art work by Mia Malone – Jennings (Miamalonejennings.com)

Dear Henry,

“The One thing we can never get enough of is love.  And the one thing we never give enough of is love.” –Henry Miller, Insomnia, Or The Devil at Large

I am typing this letter to you, sitting upon my soft, brush suede brown, living room sofa, alone, at my artist loft.  I have just returned from physical therapy.  There is a small, beautiful, blue knitted blanket, which use to belong to Mr. B’s mother, casually folded and placed next to me, just in case my feet get cold. It’s placed where Mr. B use to sit as we engaged in conversation, cuddled, or ate dinner together. Because it…

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mialoveshenrymiller – Letter 48 – B is for Broken Hearted, Break up Letters, Benefactor, Bereavement, Bondage and Books

mia loves henry miller

mialoveshenrymiller

Letter 48 – B is for Broken Hearted, Break up Letters, Benefactor, Bereavement, Bondage and Books

I’m writing this letter on 6/27/2112 at 2:41 P.M.

Dear Henry,

“First it was a broken toe, then a broken brow, and finally a broken heart. But, as I said somewhere, the human heart is indestructible. You only imagine it is broken.  What really takes a beating is the spirit. But the spirit too is strong and, if one wishes, can be revived.” –Henry Miller, Insomnia or The Devil at Large

I’m at home in the suburbs with my four dogs, six doves and my husband.  I am comforted by their unconditional love.  A new baby dove has been born.  She looks like a girl.  I am thinking about calling her June, because she was born during the month of June.  I’m also calling her June after Henry Miller’s infamous wife, June.  The…

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