mia loves henry miller
Letter 37 – Lieu-tellan Cable, South Pacific, MJ and Bachelor Parties
(I started this letter almost a week ago. I’ve been working on this letter in bits and pieces all week, in between resting and recuperating)
2/6/2012 – 4:06 p.m.
Dear Henry Miller,
I’m feeling much better with my kidneys. I spent five hours of my time in the emergency room last night. I would rather not spend my weekend this way. Especially, after having an amazing show this past Friday night, with a very packed house! I am still riding the high! It’s so wonderful to see my dreams materialize and my hard work and efforts finally paying off.
I wouldn’t have gone to the emergency room, if I wasn’t suffering so much. I would much rather be writing to you or painting. The attending emergency room physician gave me a drug, Flowmax, which is normally used for men with prostrate issues. However, it worked liked a miracle drug for my pain level, dilating my kidneys and urethra. I finally felt some relief. My agony had me pacing the floors for many days. The pain, pressure and frequent urination soon dissipated after I got the medication into my system. Today, I’m still not 100% better. I had a fever over 100 for most of the night with severe chills. My body is fatigued from fighting the pain. I have been sleeping all day, hoping that with a lot of rest, I will be back to feeling like my active self soon. I haven’t slept much over the past week due to the pain. I have been one crabby bitch!
Because Minnesota hasn’t really experienced a deep freeze this year, everyone who lives here is being hit with various illness, flu, etc…Each time I get an ear or respiratory infection, or a cold, it flares up my kidneys. I was diagnosed in my mid twenties with a kidney disease that targets Asian women, IGA Nephropathy aka Berger’s Disease. All I can do is live with this condition, live my life to the fullest, and hope that I never see end stage renal failure.
“Bali Ha’i may call you,
Any night, any day,
In your heart, you’ll hear it call you:
“Come away…Come away.” –Song Lyrics, Bali Ha’i, South Pacific, Rodgers & Hammerstein
Shortly after Mr. C began his job with a growing, reputable, security and executive protection company, who also do private investigations, as well as other miscellaneous, related jobs, he brought home an invitation for a bachelor party his boss was hosting. They wanted Mr. C to deal black jack during this party. When I saw the invitation and the picture of the bachelor on the invite, I was shocked by the familiar face. I had a HUGE teenage crush on this man, when I was fifteen, and he was twenty-four. I know it sounds awful, but I have always liked men older than me. I never really seem to think about the age difference. I only think about how well I can communicate and bond with the person I am engaging with.
The Bachelor, who I will eventually name in this letter, the Lieutenant, and I had performed together in the classic play, South Pacific, by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein. That is how we initially met. He played the part of Lieutenant Cable, which Bloody Mary comically called, Lie-tellan Cable. I played her young, exotic daughter, who Lieutenant Cable fell in love with, Liat. Every girl in the production had a crush on this cute, charismatic, young man who played the Lieutenant, including me. He appeared so handsome in uniform. He’s also a very talented actor and musician. This only made him more irresistible to the young girls in this theater troupe.
“Emile de Becque: What makes her talk like that – you and she? I do not believe it is born in you! I do not believe it!
Lt. Cable: It’s not born in you – it happens after you’re born!” –South Pacific, Rodgers & Hammerstein
During this production, which has been my favorite ever since I was a little girl, the Lieutenant and I flirted often, enjoying each other’s company as good friends during rehearsals, and in between them, on our own time. I was very young and impressionable. I loved spending my time with the Lieutenant, drinking coffee or eating dinner at local restaurants. I had a severe case of puppy love. It was easy to be charmed by the Lieutenant’s handsome appearance, personality and warm presence, especially when we had intimate scenes to rehearse. I began to fall for him much like the French Polynesian girl, Liat, did for the Lieutenant in the play. I still recall those long months of rehearsal being the most wonderful times in my adolescent life! Being theatrical and on stage has always been a deep passion of mine! The Lieutenant, as well as participating in this play, was a bright spot during a dark and befuddled time for me. I was still living at home with my family, being a misunderstood, rebellious adolescent, and a minority in a white suburban neighborhood. He made me feel special in a world where I didn’t feel like it. For the first time in my life, my exotic looks were being appreciated.
What’s humorous about this story is that Mr. C’s boss, Mr. Big, was looking for any kind of dirt on his bachelor friend, so he could surprise him with it at this party. Since Mr. Big prided himself back then on coming up with dirt, due to his profession as a private investigator, he didn’t want to fall short of his expectations. Up until this point, he did not have any substantial information, until I told Mr. C that I knew this Bachelor and had a history with him.
When I initially saw the invitation and man’s picture, I felt unbalanced for a moment due to my shock. I had previously searched for the Lieutenant for months after I separated from my first husband and before I met Mr. C. I had always liked how he treated me with warmth and respect. When I was young and impressionable, it was the Lieutenant who made me feel appreciated as a person and loved in a world that appeared bleak.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” —Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, Vol. 1: 1931 -1934
The Lieutenant and I were good friends for a couple of years. My parent’s even liked him and didn’t object to me spending so much time with him, despite his age. For the longest time, we only flirted with each other, but had never kissed or had done anything more intense. This may have occurred because I felt ashamed of my sexuality, due to being sexually abused by someone outside of my family, when I was very young, and in an extremely brutal way, over a long course of time, which abandoned scars and dark memories. I kept others at an arms distance, only I never understood why. I had blocked out a majority of my dark past, which abandoned feelings of guilt, shame, and a fear of intimacy, for so many years. I could be very stand-offish when it came to getting too intimate with boys – it frightened me to the extremes!
“There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.” —Anaïs Nin
One evening, my friendship with the Lieutenant changed. It was Easter. I was now seventeen. He and I enjoyed our companionship with each other, in the evening after I spent time with my family. He lived in the basement of his parent’s home, which was not too far from mine. We were laughing and talking upon his bed. Suddenly, things got really quiet between us. The Lieutenant was staring at me, making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. The tomboy in me wanted to punch him hard in the arm, just to break the uncomfortable silence. My personal walls went up like a defense mechanism. I felt like what my Jack Russell dog, Gia, looks like when she is on high alert, and the short, black and white bristly hairs on her back, stand up like a tiny Mohawk. Without warning, the Lieutenant kissed me on the lips. Instead of pleasuring myself with the rushing, feverish sensation of euphoria, I immediately distanced myself from him, without really understanding why I did it, because I had been secretly wishing for more from the Lieutenant for two years.
Sometimes fate works in mysterious ways. Shortly after our encounter, I learned that the Lieutenant had impregnated a good friend of mine, and an adolescent girl in the cast. I, much like her, had almost succumbed to him, like a moth drawn to a deathly flame. I am grateful for the trepidation and claustrophobia which had trickled fast in my blood stream, on that Easter Sunday evening, so long ago, pumping my heart with fear and pure adrenaline. I never let my encounter with the Lieutenant go further than that one simple kiss. When it was done, I had a panic attack, insisting that he take me home. I could not understand why I had a deep crush on this man for several years, and now I was pushing him away. I should have felt joy, not anxiety and the urge to run, to escape this terrifying moment of intimacy. Only maturity could have offered me insight.
After that, things drastically changed between the Lieutenant and me. We hardly spoke to each other. Two years passed before I renewed my friendship with him. The Lieutenant entered into my life again, out of nowhere, like a small part in a theatrical play. That was right before I married Mr. D.A., my first husband, a few months after I turned the age of nineteen. Obviously, I had gotten over some of my intimacy issues. The Lieutenant and I went to dinner a few times, caught up with conversations about our lives, since we had last seen one another.
“Are you sure that you want to marry this man? You haven’t known him that long.” The Lieutenant asked me as we sat in his car. The stereo was playing the Rolling Stones softly in the background. He was right, I had only known Mr. D.A. for a few months when we got engaged.
“Yes,” I replied, hoping that he would say something that would convince me otherwise.
The Lieutenant didn’t try to change my mind, accepting that I was following my heart. I can’t deny that I didn’t have feelings for the Lieutenant. His charisma was still intoxicating, making my heart skip beats, fluttering with excitement whenever we spent time alone. He even attended my wedding.
I reconnected with the Lieutenant nine years and two kids later. Through some personal investigating, the assistance of old friends and the internet, I made contact with him again by telephone. I was nearing the end of my marriage with Mr. D.A. and was really sick with my kidneys at this point in my life. I was trying to make connections with old friends who meant a lot to me in my past, because I felt my life could be short, and I wanted to make amends with people who I felt I had hurt in my past, including the Lieutenant. I apologized to him for me being so emotionally unstable and immature after he kissed me on that Easter Sunday evening, so long ago. I invited him and his live in girlfriend to have dinner with Mr. D.A. and me, to catch up on old times. I told him that I was leaving for California soon and that I would contact him once I returned, which never happened.
I was an emotional mess going through my separation with Mr. D.A. for many months after I returned from California. I never made contact with the Lieutenant and went on with my life. A few years after I separated from Mr. D.A., I did ask a few old friends about where I might find the Lieutenant, but, never received any information which would assist me with this. So, I just imagined myself finding someone who would treat me similar or better. Months later I met Mr. C.
Needless to say, Mr. Big was ecstatic when he discovered my history with his good friend who was soon to be married.
“I have a photo of him somewhere, when the Lieutenant was young, posing with his band members. I’m sure of it.” I told Mr. Big in an email.
“Find it,” he replied. “Can you get it to me before my party?”
I looked all over the house and inside storage boxes for hours. Eventually, I found it. The Lieutenant looked young, awkward and so 1980’s-ish, like a member of Duran Duran. Mr. Big had the small photo, which I had found stored in a large box full memorabilia I have kept, containing so many items, such as theater tickets and photos, which represent great memories in my life, made into many poster-sized images, and taped them on the walls in various rooms of the mansion where the party was held. But, that would not be the only surprise at the Lieutenant’s bachelor party.
2/7/2012- 1:58 a.m.
I’ve been working on this letter off and on most of the evening. I didn’t realize that it was getting so late. My eyelids will hardly remain open. I must get some sleep.
Good night Henry.
2/7/2012- 9:39 a.m.
Good morning Henry! I had some very erotic dreams about Mr. B last night. I need to get laid! I can hardly wait to see Mr. B tonight!
Back to the Lieutenant story…
Apparently, from what I’ve been told, the Lieutenant was a bit freaked out when he saw a photo of himself from so long ago when he entered the mansion on the evening of his bachelor party. He thought that Mr. Big had broken into his home and found this photo in one of the storage boxes in his basement. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the Lieutenant’s reaction, soon after he first arrived.
The bachelor party was already going strong when MJ and I snuck through the doors, many men gambling, eating, drinking, and mingling in high spirits, and found a place upstairs to get dressed from our street clothes and into something more sexy. Mr. Big had asked MJ and me to be a part of the entertainment that night. I felt so nervous when I quietly got dressed in a colorful, sexy, blue and green Polynesian type costume, which I had designed and sewed myself, much like the one I had worn in the play, South Pacific. I also wore a beautiful Mardi Gras type mask, which MJ had brought along, so that the entirety of my face would not be revealed, until she wanted it to be. It had now been well over a decade since the Lieutenant and I had last seen each other.
“Will he recognize me?” I thought nervously to myself, as we waited for our cue to surprise him. “What if he has no clue as to who I am?” I feared. That would take all the fun out of this adventure.
Eventually, the highlight of the evening began. All of the men attending this bachelor party gathered near the bottom of the mansion steps, which led upstairs. MJ and I were now standing on the large landing, in between two flights of stairs. She appeared stoic and gorgeous in a sexy black corset, panties and bra, and had me on a sterling silver leash, attached to my black leather collar. When the time was right and all the men were settled, surrounding the bottom of the stairs in large mass, MJ led me down them slowly, heading towards the bachelor. My legs trembled with nervousness. I could hardly breathe due to my anxiety. I also could barely see through the tiny holes in my mask. My stomach fluttered with apprehension and rolled with nausea. I did the best I could to just concentrate on my breathing and make it down these steps in very high heels without losing my balance and falling. I would have died of embarrassment if I did.
When we approached the bottom, I reached for the Lieutenant’s hand and led him up the stairs to the large landing in silence, where MJ and I were initially standing and an elegant chair was awaiting him. The Lieutenant appeared apprehensive when MJ secured him into the chair with black leather cuffs. Regardless of the Lieutenant’s pleas of objection, he was now at the mercy of MJ and her domineering ways.
2/9/2012 – 7:00 p.m.
I am so sorry Henry for not writing for a few days. I’m still not feeling the best. We are transitioning from nice warm temperatures into very cold temperatures and my body is feeling it’s drastic effects. I have not been able to do much thinking or writing, only finding silly or interesting stuff to post on Facebook and watching movies. I have seen so many good movies over the past few days. I just finished watching, Moneyball. It’s a very inspiring flick, based on a true story, and one of the best movies I have seen this year!
Back to the Lieutenant story…
I was now kneeling before the Lieutenant, very close to his body. MJ took off my mask and my identity was finally revealed. It took a few minutes before he recognized me.
“Mia?” he questioned, his eyes growing wider with recognition. I nodded my head, signaling that his guess was correct. I felt relieved that he recognized me after so many years. We managed to talk for a few minutes before MJ began to tease and torment this unwilling bachelor. I don’t think he was into submission. However, he does have a multitude of many tattoos on his upper body, indicating that he enjoys the sensation of pain. MJ was fairly soft and subtle on him. Yet, he was whining, writhing, and wiggling in the chair, from her moderate torture. Due to my empathetic nature, I felt the urge in me want to make her stop. But, I didn’t dare attempt to cease MJ from her fun. I didn’t want to feel her wrath.
2/9/2012 – 10:00 p.m.
I’m ending this letter for now. I will try and write soon.
2/11/2012- 10:30 a.m.
It’s been a rough couple of days. I haven’t had much energy to do anything, only watch movies and post stupid, silly or intriguing things on Facebook. I normally am not on Facebook that much, unless I need to promote our next show. I would hate if all my days continued to be so boring. I’m feeling a bit better today. It’s extremely cold outside. It feels more like February in Minnesota, instead of warm like early spring, which our winter this season has emulated. This weekend, Minneapolis is hosting the Best of the Midwest Burlesque Festival aka Bomb. It’s a burlesque celebration show, featuring talent from all over, including Berlin, at the Ritz Theater. All of their shows have been sold out!! Good luck to all of the girls who will be performing this weekend! I’m sure that their show will be a HUGE success!
Back to the Lieutenant Story…
When MJ finished her scene, she released the Lieutenant from his restraints. He appeared very relieved! He also seemed to enjoy the attention he received from such a gorgeous, dominant woman! After MJ and I got changed into our street clothes, we joined the party, downstairs in the mansion, where numerous strippers of all different shapes, sizes and ethnic races were now entertaining the men. I think the Dominatrix and submissive scene freaked the Lieutenant out.
I had a few minutes to converse with him.
“I got your letter,” he told me.
“What letter?” I replied, my eyes blank and dumbfounded, my thoughts scrambling fast, diving into my memories and brain, attempting to comprehend his statement.
Suddenly I remembered. A warm flush of warmth invaded me, coloring my face with a pink hue. I had sent him a letter right before I separated from my first marriage with Mr. D.A. It was soon after the Lieutenant and I talked on the phone, before I left for California to visit Mr. Cali Man. This made me feel very awkward, because I think that I told him about my dark past, my fear of intimacy, and that I loved him. AAAAAAAAAaack! I wanted to kick myself for doing something I would feel embarrassed about.
We didn’t have much time to talk at his party. The Lieutenant had to join his friends and his bachelor celebration. I saw the Lieutenant a few more times afterwards, throughout the course of several years, at various parties, Mr. Big hosted after the bachelor party. I still felt weird and uncomfortable around the Lieutenant, keeping my distance. I felt so stupid and silly for sending that letter when I was so young and impulsive. There was nothing that I could do about it now. I had to swallow my pride and embarrassment and just move on. The Lieutenant and I may never regain our friendship to where it was when I was a teenager. It is highly unlikely to happen. However, I’m glad that our paths crossed once again. I often wonder why this gentleman keeps appearing in my life. Our roads have continued to cross for almost 30 years. Today, Mr. C talks to the Lieutenant more than I have, due to his work relationship with Mr. Big.
It’s funny how I can take my clothes off in front of hundred of strangers when I’m doing burlesque. Yet, I’m intimidated by the Lieutenant, a past crush, and embarrassed by the stupid, silly things I have done. I can hardly make eye contact with him. Maybe someday that will change. I still can’t believe that I sent him a letter so personal, revealing so much of myself.
I’m ending this letter soon, Henry. I’m sorry it took so long to compose this. But, I want to tell you some intriguing news before I do so. I am often amused by the synchronicities in life. I thought my days as a theatrical performer were over so long ago, after South Pacific. However, as I was attempting to write this long letter to you, I was also reading a brilliant script, Voodoo Chile and the Jupiter of Music, produced and written by Gilbert Kelly, a highly talented script writer, film producer, and musician in the UK. The play is based on Jimi Hendrix’ muses, and will be performed in Dublin, Ireland, which will be on stage at the historic Mansion House in August 2012. I will have the opportunity to showcase my art, act in a small part on stage, playing the role of an American artist, from L.A, who plaster casts Jimi Hendrix’ cock.
At first, my fear of being alone in Dublin stopped me from accepting this role. I also I have not performed a speaking role on stage for a very long time, which hinders my decision to move forward and say,”yes,” to the director. However, an opportunity like this does not come that often. I am seriously considering it. This part deeply calls to me. If I continue to live my life in fear, opportunities will pass me by. I will never get to turn back the hands of time, to experience the things I never dared to do.
I will write more about the play later, should I decide to do this.
The last time I ever saw the Lieutenant, I was at a wedding. The bride and groom were friends with Mr. C and me, and introduced together by us. It was a few hours after I had been intimate with another past lover, Tiger man, who I will tell you about in another letter, to be written soon. Hours before the wedding, we had just engaged ourselves, for the very first time, in a very intimate encounter. I was feeling guilty, for I hadn’t told Mr. C about this yet. My mind was distracted at the wedding. I never spoke to the Lieutenant, who also attended the wedding, and was good friends with the groom.
2/11/2012 – 5:15 p.m.
I’m ending this letter now. Mr. C and I are thinking about seeing a movie tonight. We are having dinner with Mr. Smart and Miss Sexy tomorrow evening. I am looking forward to seeing them again!
“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”