mia loves henry miller
Letter 28, Part 2 – Sinning in Sin City: Goodbye Mr. California Man
“The potion drunk by lovers is prepared by no one but themselves.” —Anais Nin, Aphrodisiac
1/22/12 2:35 p.m.
Dear Henry Miller,
Wow! Mr. C and I have just had the most amazing erotic night, last night at the loft. However, I’m not going to write about it now, because I need to finish telling you about Mr. California Man. But, I promise to tell you, Henry, in my next letter – Letter 29. I’m still sore and tired from such an eventful night. It was an early birthday gift from Mr. C. It was definitely erotic and kinky!
Sinning in Sin City….
The Excalibur hotel was stunning, returning me to the past Renaissance days. I’ve always been a huge fan of King Arthur, Queen Guinevere and Merlin. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen so much activity and a variety of people together in one place. I was observing so many different races and listening to so many dialects and languages. I definitely wasn’t in Minnesota any more. I even saw gay men holding hands as they walked through casinos. It was nice to see them be so open. My mind had been closed for so long living in rural Minnesota and having a red neck husband. My mind was now widening, stretching, yearning for more.
I shared a large room with Mr. Cali Man and his wife. We had two queen sized beds. By now I was getting used to being around Mr. Cali Man’s wife. We seemed to get a long fairly well. I tried to be as polite and nonintrusive as possible. Now that I think back on it, I’m wondering if Mr. Cali Man’s wife had any bi-sexual fantasies. I was naïve to the fact, because I wasn’t really aware of my own bi-sexuality. It might have been very interesting if she was bi-sexual or bi-curious.
It wasn’t difficult to keep Mr. Cali Man’s wife distracted during our stay in Las Vegas. All he had to do was give her some money, and she was gone for hours playing black jack. This gave us more time to spend intimately together in the hotel room, or holding hands, exploring the large hotel and casino. I felt nervous, sneaky and naughty. I never knew if Mr. Cali Man’s wife would enter the hotel room when we were in their kissing, stroking, finger fucking, or catch us holding hands walking around the hotel.
On our first evening, Mr. Cali Man and his wife gave me a wonderful birthday gift – a very nice, good quality, red satin jacket from the Excalibur gift shop. It had the Excalibur logo embroidered on the back of it. They also treated me to see a classy nude review show, “Enter the Night,” at the Stardust, when the casino was still opened. I thought the show was done so artistically and erotically. That was when I got my first longing to be on stage. I was enamored with the beauty of the women, and the high class of the show. I never thought that I would ever experience anything like this.
All of Las Vegas was amazing! I was feeding off the high energy from the crowds of people on the street, inside the casinos, outside the casinos observing the pirate show at Treasure Island, or observing the volcano explode at the Mirage, and listening to the continuous dinging on numerous slot machines.
I loved the warm weather as well and the tall, tropical trees. It felt good to be in the warmth and free from family obligations. Even though the nagging feeling about Mr. D.A. being pissed off at me for being here, ate like a huge bug on a green, juicy leaf, inside of me. I also worried about my children. I felt guilty for being gone so long. I was generally the very responsible mother. It felt awkward to let go of all my family obligations, and it felt frightening as well as exhilarating. I was definitely outside of my element – it felt good.
It felt like we never slept much while we were in Las Vegas. We managed to pack in so much into a small window of time. The casino New York, New York had just opened, pretty much the same time Excalibur did. It didn’t take us long to walk over there to explore the fake, mini version of an amazing city. I was never brave enough to ride the roller coaster. During those days, I thought that seeing this casino would be the closest I ever got to seeing New York City. I led a pretty hopeless life back then. I’m so glad that I have visited NYC so many times in real life, and that seeing it in Las Vegas was just a preview to my future.
Eventually, we did take the time to sleep. I had only been sleeping for a about an hour, when I felt Mr. California Man’s hands creep beneath my blanket and begin stroking softly upon my breasts and nipples, beneath my nightshirt. Mr. Cali Man silenced me when my eyes fluttered opened with surprise and erotic thrill, with his forefinger standing straight up, pressed firmly up to his lips, warning me in sign language not to moan or make a sound from my pleasure. I remained silent when Mr. Cali Man’s hands trailed downward between my legs. My sex was hot, eager and so wet. I felt so horny.
However, there was no way to really explore our sexual desires and pleasures, with Mr. Cali Man’s wife sleeping soundly in the next bed. I felt weird as it was that we were engaging in so much while she was so close by. It made my remorse even worse. I told Mr. Cali Man to stop. I didn’t want to get caught, if his wife were to wake up. As quietly as I could, I got dressed and followed Mr. Cali Man out of the hotel room. We were like kids holding hands, walking quietly through the hotel and playing on virtual reality rides in the casino’s game room. We kissed and petted each other in every quiet corner of the casino. It was almost dawn before we slipped back into our beds again.
1/22/12 – 10:15p.m.
Must get some sleep. I will write in the morning. Good night Henry!
1/23/12 – 8:30 a.m.
The next day we went shopping and toured many of the main casinos on the strip. I was completely mesmerized by Caesar’s Palace! I felt like a kid again, observing intently, when the Greek statues came alive and a sound and light show accompanied it. Afterwards, I flipped a coin into the wishing well – desperately wishing that I would find the courage to leave my husband and lead a different, better, more intriguing life. I was so scared and insecure, never really thinking much would change in my life – but, it did, soon after I returned to Minnesota, for the better. If only I could have for seen what my future would have looked like, back then – I wouldn’t have wasted so much time living in fear.
I remember Victoria Secrets was having a sale inside the Emporium at Caesar’s. I was looking at many of their sexy panties, amongst a variety of many other beautiful girls. This small, dark skin, foreign man, with a large camera, began taking our pictures of us searching through the panty bins. I found it amusing, laughing to myself, when the sales clerk scolded him, shooing him away from the store.
We ate lunch at Planet Hollywood. As we waited for our order, Mr. Cali Man took out a pen and doodled art on his napkin. He was very good! I was impressed. I used to draw all the time when I was younger. I didn’t do much art work when I married to Mr. D.A. I did a little bit of painting once in awhile. Mr. Cali Man inspired me to draw again. I began to sketch again shortly after I returned home. I had no idea at the time, that his simple doodle would someday inspire my large collection of art work.
My two days in Vegas were over. I was in love with this fast paced, electrifying city. I knew that I would return to Las Vegas someday, as we drove back to California. I didn’t know when or how, but, I knew that I would return.
What I found amazing was that the weather in the Mojave Desert could change so drastically. It was so hot when we drove into Las Vegas. And now on our way back to California there were large flakes of snow drifting quickly down upon the slick roads near the top of the mountains, and the nervous drivers on the curving, steeping and declining highways did not know how to handle it. The snow freaked them out. To me, the snow appeared like a light dusting. But, I’m from Minnesota and used to driving in deep snow conditions.
We were now stranded at state line at the Primadonna Casino for the night. Once again, I was enamored with the man – made creativity and great imagination that was used to create this casino. It even had an indoor/outdoor roller coaster. I had a little more alone time with Mr. Cali Man when his wife was playing black jack. We managed to kiss, fondle, stroke, and finger fuck whenever we had the hotel room to ourselves. It was exciting, but so adulterous and sneaky.
Mr. D.A. was furious that I spent another night in Las Vegas. He didn’t fully understand how close Las Vegas was to California. It was like living in Minneapolis and taking a long drive to Duluth. We fought so much, that the only thing I could do was hang up the phone and refuse to talk with him. His anger was volatile.
When we eventually returned to San Dimas, it was time for me to begin my painting job. I painted Mr. Cali Man’s dining room and living room an off white with a hand painted border of green vines. Mr. Cali Man introduced me to a long collection of Andrew Lloyd Webbers CD’s of the Phantom of the Opera. I found the music so passionate, overwhelming, compelling, romantic and so dramatic. I fell in love, hypnotized to the operatic story. I listened to it over and over again, digesting every single note of it. The music helped put me in the zone as I painted. The long hours of painting seemed to pass by quickly.
On one of my last nights in San Dimas, Mr. Cali Man had a limousine job to take care of – a high school, Valentine’s dance in the suburbs of L.A. He owned a white limousine, which he sometimes drives and rents out for special events. I had the opportunity to go with him, as he chauffeured on this particular evening. We made the back of the limo appear romantic, supplying it with soft music, two heart shaped boxes of chocolates for the girls, flowers, and non-alcoholic wine.
When we were driving to pick up the two handsome boys and the two beautiful, teenage girls, I toured the city, standing in the back of the limo, with my head sticking out of the open sky light, enjoying one of the last nights I will feel warm air blow on my face and through my hair, and observe California at night. The city was full of lights and life. I had a huge smile from ear to ear. The night felt magical.
After we dropped them off, and as we waited to pick the party of four up from the dance, Mr. Cali Man and I had some sexual fun in the front seat, parked in a remote area not too far away from the hotel, where we dropped them off at. I discretely bent my head down, taking his pulsing shaft out of his black Dockers. I placed it inside my mouth, erotically sucking upon on it, flicking my tongue on the tip of his swollen head, and swallowing it slowly until it reached the back of my throat. I moved it deeply in and out of my mouth with my agile tongue until Mr. Cali Man exploded with a body shaking, moan releasing orgasm. My smile was large, wiping his juice from my lips with the back of my right hand. I retrieved a couple of wet wipes from my purse to clean him up.
Sometimes I can do some stupid things in my life. But, they always seem to make the moment a little more memorable. On this particular evening, I was wearing a very short, black and white checked mini dress, which was very nice for easy access when Mr. Cali Man wanted to play with my sex with his hands, which he did. He got me so hot and bothered! Afterwards, I needed to use the restroom really bad. So we returned to the hotel where the dance was, I jaunted quickly inside, went pee, cleaned up my sticky thighs and sex area, and then exited out of the hotel as fast as I could.
I wasn’t paying attention, my mind was lost in a sea of thoughts, and it was foggy from the high of my recent orgasm. Without paying attention, I climb into a different white limo, legs first, and then my ass, which pulled my dress up high on my thighs, exposing my panties, to a driver I didn’t know! I was so embarrassed! I don’t think the unknown limo driver minded much. He said, “Hello,” in a very lustful voice, the minute I shut the limo door.
I felt like such an idiot, quickly getting out of this limo, and finding Mr. Cali Man’s limo. Oh God! I hope Mr. Cali Man didn’t see me do such a stupid thing! My face was warm and flushed when I finally entered the right limousine. I could tell by the laughter in Mr. Cali Man’s eyes, and the big grin on his face, that he saw the whole thing. I was so embarrassed. I felt like such a huge dork!
A few days before I left San Dimas, Mr. Cali Man took me shopping, purchasing me some classy clothes and a light bronze, silk blazer and pant suit, which I wore to the airport on the day I departed. Mr. Cali Man told me that I should wear darker make-up and red lipstick. He wanted me to grow into a more beautiful woman. He told me that I had lovely features that needed to be accented more with glamour.
He also told me, right before I boarded my plane, that he loved me very much and that he would do all that he could to make our being together a reality. Until then, please be patient with him. He gave me a long, tender kiss and showed me with universal hand signal for, I Love you. My heart melted. But, it also ached profusely with sadness. I knew deep down that I would never see him again. Meeting him and my two weeks in California and Las Vegas had been an amazing, life changing event. I knew that my life would never be the same again.
“But love, the great narcotic, was the hothouse in which all the selves burst into their fullest bloom…” –Anais Nin, Aphrodisiac
I stared out the window, towards the small, San Dimas airport, sitting in first class, after ordering a glass of red wine, waiting for my flight to take off. Tears were dripping fast down my face. A large lump of sadness ached intensely, clogging my throat. My eyes felt swollen with a gallon more tears. My lips were trembling, curving downward with sadness.
“Excuse me, Miss,” a young, pretty, airline stewardess bent down towards me, “There’s a very handsome gentleman in the airport, he asked me to tell you this, when I boarded the plane.” She showed me the universal sign language for, I love you, with her hand.
Tears fell faster from my eyes. I knew that Mr. D.A. would never think of something as romantic and clever as Mr. Cali Man did. I will never forget that moment in time. It felt like a tear jerking ending to a great romance novel.
I was lucky enough to sit next to a very classy, older woman in first class. She was very wise and full of so much advice. She could tell that I was an emotional mess, and invited me to discuss whatever was bothering me with her. I told her about leaving a man I loved in California and having to make the decision to end my marriage.
I didn’t want to go home to fight with a man I no longer loved. I changed during this two week sabbatical. I needed more substance to my life. I needed time to be alone. This woman told me to do what makes me happy. To not remain in a marriage that won’t work. She said that it was far better to be alone and make myself happy than it is to have someone who is always ripping away that happiness from me by acting immature and treating me disrespectfully. She offered me the courage I needed to face Mr. D.A. at the airport.
“Anais, You’re writing me just as if I didn’t answer your letters. You’re punishing me cruelly too, by telling me all these terrible things I’ve done to you, though I know you don’t mean to.” –Henry Miller, A Literate Passion, Letter to Anais Nin, Thursday, October 1942 – Beverely Glen
For the next few months my life was Hell. It would take forever to go over the details of the events which unfolded once I returned to Minnesota. Within a few weeks, I had separated from my husband. I was alone, with my children, and feeling like I would see better days ahead of me. Those were the days when I put all of my emotions and energy into my writing and poetry. It was the only way I could cope with all the emotional stress of a marital separation, and the never ending fighting via phone or in person with Mr. D.A.
Mr. Cali Man would never have been the right man for me. But, he opened up so many doors for me to move forward and find a man who fits well with me. He made me believe that I deserved to be treated so much better. And I found that in my second husband, Mr. C. Mr. Cali Man always wanted me to be a prim and proper lady – to not smoke, to not swear, and to not be so open about my sexuality.
A few months ago, I found Mr. Cali Man on Face book. At first he didn’t recognize who I was. When he finally did remember, we bantered back and forth in a few emails, before I made a huge mistake. I was getting close to producing another Dr. Farrago Burlesque Show, and attempting to return a message to him via email on Facebook, and reply to a burlesque performer via email on Facebook at the same time. I sent the message I meant to send to the burlesque performer to Mr. Cali Man by accident. It said something like, “Please remember that you have to wear pasties, a classic striptease needs to be incorporated into your dance/burlesque number…no nudity can be shown…but the tease is super important.”
I never heard back from him again. I’m not the prim lady he wished me to be. I’m okay with that. Because I’m far more happier being the wife of an amazing private detective (I don’t think I ever told you what Mr. C did for a living) who loves me for who I am, my yearning to experiment sexually and he permits me to discover more of who I am as a sexual woman, as our years together continue onward.
By the looks of Mr. Cali Man’s Facebook page, he is divorced from his first wife and married to someone who seems to make him happy. I’m glad that we each found happiness. It was a wonderful, dreamy, adulterous affair, which changed my entire life! It encouraged me and gave me strength to leave Mr. D.A and meet someone like Mr. C, who most often treats me like a princess and with a ton of respect. It’s the respect that I receive from him which helps me grow wiser and more emotionally, spiritually, and physically sound. I could not ask for anything more!
I will tell you about an erotic birthday adventure with Mr. C in my next letter.
I must go Henry. It’s snowing pretty hard in Minnesota. We’ve hardly seen much snow so far. It looks so serene outside. I will write as soon as I can.
“I don’t want to be bitter about life – about love and friendship and all the human, emotional entanglements. I’ve had more than my share of human disappointments, deprivations, disillusionment. I want to love people and live above all; I want to be able to say always, “if you feel bitter or disillusioned, there is something wrong with yourself, not with people, not with life.” — Henry Miller, A Literate Passion