mia loves henry miller
Letter 15 – Summer Heat, Northern Lights, and Sex by Duluth’s Fresh Water Sea
12/18/2011 – 11:01 a.m.
“Whatever I do is done out of sheer joy; I drop my fruits like a ripe tree. What the general reader or the critic makes of them is not my concern.” –Henry Miller
Dear Henry Miller,
Mr. C has to work today. He had to work all day yesterday as well. Mr. B is also busy with work – writing the outline for his new book, and spending some quality time with his wife. I have the day to myself to write and clean the house (writing-Yay! Cleaning bleh!) I’m having my large family come for Christmas Eve Dinner. I still have much to do. I have no clue as to where I will place them all inside my tiny, 1940’s style home. I was teasing Mr. C, this morning, that I was going to walk to the nearby dollar store and buy some garland to drape on the fireplace. He practically puked. I chuckled at his response, which was predictable. Mr. C is a Scrooge as well. We are a match made in Heaven.
“The stabbing horror of life is not contained in calamities and disasters, because these things wake one up and one gets very familiar and intimate with them and finally they become tame again. No, it is more like being in a hotel room in Hoboken let us say, and just enough money in one’s pocket for another meal.” –Henry Miller
It was the beginning of my relationship with Mr. C – the first few months of dating. Neither of us had much money. My four bedroom house in the country, which I had bought with my ex-husband when we were married, was being foreclosed upon – my ex-husband refused to financially support my two children at the time – he didn’t even have a job. I nicked – named him, Peter Pan Man, because of his refusal to grow up – to take responsibility at this time in my life. During these years in my mid to late twenties, I was very sick with my kidneys (diagnosed with IGA Nephropathy), and suffering from other ailments/injuries from previous car accidents, etc. I was frequently in and out of the hospitals with surgeries or kidney infections, and unable to work a full time job or career. However, I was able to collect disability from a long – term disability insurance fund, from a company which I worked at for over five years, prior to getting sick – I had been a Vocational Case Manager for many years, working with adults with a wide range of disabilities.
I was lost, depressed, defeated, and drowning in a sea of financial worry and torrential floods of great distress. I was also terrified to get involved in another relationship. I was damaged goods. I didn’t feel that I had anything substantial to bring into a relationship. I was poor, with two, young children, who, at times, could be difficult to handle. I remained single, only dating occasionally, for two years, after my ex-husband and I separated, when I initially met Mr. C. He was very different from all of the men I had previously met. We fit together like two lost puzzle pieces. Only, it was hard for me to admit it in the beginning. I fought this feeling hard, as if I were a tiny minnow swimming upstream, against a forceful current.
Approximately, 13 years ago, in late July, or early August, the weather felt so hot, humid, and unbearable. Temperatures had to be in the high 90’s. The humidity was stifling. I didn’t have air conditioning in my home or in my car. I was cranky – a complete bitch, polluted and toxic by my anxiety regarding my soon to be foreclosed home, and from feeling overheated and fatigued. I only had a few months before I was homeless. Where would I live with my kids? What will we do? How will we survive? I didn’t know the answers to any of my questions. I felt so alone. I was a single mom with two small children, and an illness which fucked me up most of my days. However, I’ve always been a survivor ever since I was born – a wonderful trait given to me from my Korean mother and my paternal, Polish grandmother. Mr. C often said during those early days, “What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger!” I knew if I kept positive thoughts – good things would come. I insisted on this, believing that I would somehow get through whatever I needed to overcome.
“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do.” –Maya Angelou
My only respite from my worry and suffering was to write, read, spend time with my children, walk or ride my bike, eight miles around two large lakes nearby my home, as often as I could, to meditate – to make things right in my head – to silence my pessimistic thoughts – to find the courage, the hope and the inspiration to move forward. I was going to miss my long walks and early morning bike rides around the lakes the most. It made me sad – feeling like I was losing a best friend. At this time in my life, my walks and bike rides were my only salvation, my sanctuary, my sanctity, my church. I found the same comfort, with Mr. C, regardless of my deep fear of intimacy with him. Everything was changing. I did my best to surrender, adapt and accept whatever was before me.
Saturday Feb 10th 1951 Corwen N. Wales – “Henry my dear I have had one exciting feeling after another, all the nice ones, but O! so different, as I’ve paddled in water so salty & upon sand so firm beneath it, and the sun so warm above it, up and down through these letters to Pierre Lesdain where the changing clouds and the fish and the cormorants after the fish and the black smoke on the horizon of a tramp steamer and then, far off, a white sail!” –Excerpt from the book, Letters to Henry Miller from John Cowper Powys
My children were spending time with their father – it was his designated weekend. I desperately needed a break from them, and to cool off from the high temperatures. I had been dealing with the heat and humidity all day. It had been unbearably hot all week. I was despondent about my life – dripping with sweat, driving to Mr. C’s early in the evening – yet, very excited to see him. He was the bright spot in my life. But, he didn’t have air conditioning at his small home either. It was around 9 p.m. when I pleaded with Mr. C to take me on a car ride, maybe get some ice cream, so we could cool down. It didn’t take us long to find a place for ice cream, soft serve, chocolate and vanilla twist. Next, we were off to a destination unknown, getting lost in each other and our enlightening conversations. Mr. C always tells some interesting stories. He’s so animated, charismatic, enlightening, and intriguing when he talks. I love to listen to him. I get lost in the adventures he tells of himself when he was younger. His words are so vivid – it’s as if I am actually there, seeing what he is telling me.
Before I knew it, many hours had past, and we were driving on the old, Northern Shore highway in Duluth. It’s one of my favorite destinations to travel to in Minnesota. It’s so beautiful, serene, rejuvenating, invigorating! The temperature near the great Lake Superior dropped dramatically! I was finally feeling some comfort and relief. But, our adventure didn’t stop inside the city of Duluth. We still had so many things to discover about each other – so many things to still reveal and to say. Neither of us felt very tired. So, we continued driving, feeling revitalized by each other’s company, talking, laughing, sharing and comparing our stories, experiences, and our lives. Our circulating energy constantly recharging one other – our time passing by so quickly!
We sensed our fatigue when our eyes witnessed the early rays of morning, break luminously across the sky, and the sun start to slowly rise upon the faint, pink, purple, gold and blue horizon. We were near the Canadian border when we finally stopped at a way side rest, falling deep into sleep for a couple of hours, each of us leaning back in the reclining seats of my car. It wasn’t a fancy hotel. It wasn’t even an inexpensive inn. But the memory of the drive and sleeping in the car is worth gold to me! I don’t mean to sound so cliché – but, sometimes the best things in life are free.
I wrote this poem shortly after we took this trip, to capture the memory of this sultry, sensuous, erotic experience. I’m surprised that I still have the poem. It’s been a very long time, since I have read it.
Peter Young – My Light House Keeper
The humidity in the night unbearably sucked – I felt so down on my luck
The summer seizing my soul and the very air I breathed
The starry midnight sky – winked with his crescent moon eye
I wanted to cool off – take a joy ride my 90’s style Time Machine
“Join me for a midnight ride? “ – I asked, my eyes, pleading and wide
to my Lover Boy – The twilight heat was sticky with misery!
“On another adventure we’ll drive – who cares when we arrive
We’ll drive into the night, cool off, and enjoy the journey.”
“I would love to go with you – Baby; we’ll zoom past the moon!
We’ll adventure the northern lights, far off galaxies and stars
Move over baby, I’m driving.” – The Time Machine is now flying
We sped upon the Milky Way and made a potty stop on Mars.
We talked so much during the night – during our Time Machine flight
Until the sphere of the sun slowly began to rise
Parking at a way side rest – we fell asleep, fully dressed
It was still early in the morning when we eventually opened our eyes
Our eyes hypnotized to the Northern Shore scenery
I felt delight with a shiver – observing the amazing Temperance River
And sun beams pirouetting upon the river’s fresh water stream
“Please baby, be brave for me – asks my Tomcat Lover, grinning mischievously
In the dawn’s early rays of light – I did as he asked with much fear and delight
Now, naked on the beach – the clicking camera and splashing tide, unify their sounds
Later, we drove the northern shore road – until our Time Machine approached
The well known Split Rock, Light House Tower
We learned about Peter Young – seeking respite from the hot summer sun
Feeling this man’s spirit – the late, Light House Keeper’s power
“Please close your eyes – my darling I have a surprise.”
Ordered my Tomcat Lover with a purr of mystery
Suddenly from behind his back – He delivered a box from a brown paper sack
A pretty sight for my feline eyes to see
“In this wooden bin – contain all of your answers within
This is a special gift from me to you
I found this fine treasure – an ink pen to guide you in cruel weather
Baby, it’s the next best thing to the moon.”
I was elated with joy – kissing my sweet lover boy
“Thank you for this lovely gift – a memorable pen!
Come on – climb on in – inside the Time Machine for another spin
We will jump ahead in space and time again.”
Twin Harbors we roamed – it was on our way home
We had a craving – just a simple, satisfying wish
Our stomach’s rumbling – For something more – grumbling
We craved Russ Kendall’s famous smoked fish.
I cannot tell a lie – I also craved one of Betty’s blueberry pies
So we stopped at Betty’s Pies for some sinful dessert
Now, we had smoked salmon and homemade pie – hot temperatures and vivid blue skies
So, we picnicked near the edge of the water, upon the great lake’s shore of rocks and dirt.
Romantically we fed each other – so infatuated with one another
I was falling madly in love with him!
The sun soaked into my skin – I wanted to feel him deeply within
But, not yet, I wanted to cool down with a swim.
Lake Superior was so cold – the sun; a searing shade of sizzling gold
No one was around – so I removed all of my clothes
I didn’t think that ships a far at sea – would be able to closely observe me
Immerged in the chilled water – nude – from my chin to my toes.
Back on the beach we impetuously kissed – our bodies sprayed by a cold, salt water mist
I felt so passionately about him!
His hands, gentle, rough, talented, skilled – had me submitting to him all of my will
My arousal heightening within – limb to trembling limb.
The scorching heat from the sun – built inside me like savage beats on a drum
The energy inside me roared like giant waves surfing the glittering sea
His hands and fingers thrusting – my energy; primal and combusting
It was an explosive form of sexual ecstasy!
Back into the Time Machine we zipped – I will never forget that wicked, wonderful trip!
We had escaped into a night that was so full of despair and unbearable heat
“Thank you, my darling, so very much,” – I said to him with a warm, loving touch
“I love you,” I spoke, kissing him softly, before our car turned onto my street.
Much like the vast, fresh water seas – Life may not always be calm and easy
But, I know that I must hang on with all of my might
Sometimes that is all one can do – is toss one’s dreams towards the stars and moon
Then, continue walking forward even in the darkest, heated night.
That afternoon on the beach of Lake Superior was so romantic and rousing – it’s indefinitely programmed into my memory. It cannot be deleted. I will always recall those moments in time, when salacious energy built intensely between Mr. C and I – the sensation growing and growing, feeling so paramount. When his adept fingers and hands moved so intuitively inside me, I relinquished every ounce of my soul into him. I forgot all of my despairing thoughts. I forgot that we were in a public, yet semi-private place, I forgot about how hot I had felt the night before and my misery. I forgot that my house was being foreclosed upon. I forgot about my physical pain and illness, I forgot about everything. I even forgot about my ex-husband who was being such a worthless dick! I was hovering in a world of orgasmic fever. Everlasting surges of white heat blinding me like the glares of sunshine striking down, hot and hard, upon us, and radiating into our souls even more vivacious, abundant energy!
The pen I describe in the poem above, which Mr. C had presented me with, was purchased at the gift shop at the Split Rock Light House. I was so enamored and immersed with the books in the shop, that I was completely unaware that Mr. C was purchasing a gift for me – which he did ever so discretely. It was a fancy, wooden pen, inside this decorative wooden box, the outside of it stenciled with the art of the Split Rock Light House. To some, a pen may not be romantic. But, to a writer, it was like receiving a huge diamond. Back then, I was so obsessed with my writing – carrying a pad of paper and a pen with me wherever I went -scribbling down my experiences or lines for a new poem. I still have the pen, inside this decorative box, to this very day!
Everything eventually worked out well for me. I was semi – homeless, couch surfing, for a little while – approximately a month – which is another letter I will write to you, explaining the details. Mr. C and I had a numerous obstacles to hurdle along the way. My uncomfortable adventure didn’t last for long. Mr. C found a way to purchase us a cozy, quaint, five bedroom house, on a two and a half acre hobby farm, which wasn’t too far from the Twin Cities. Neither of us had good credit. But, we somehow made it work, despite all the negatives we had going against us. I had refused to believe the worst would happen. Mr. C, his son, my children, and I lived together happily for quite some time. We had the best of both worlds – the city and the country at our finger tips. We got married shortly thereafter. I’ve never regretted my choice.
On Wednesday night (12/14/2011), after Mr. B left for home. I took a quick bath, removed the large, blue plastic binder from my IKEA bookshelf – it’s filled with printed pages of numerous emails between Mr. C and me – emails from the first several months of our relationship. As I read them, I recalled all of our financial struggles we had in the beginning of our lives together, and the extreme love and support which Mr. C demonstrated with his written words in emails. I could not suppress my sensitive side, so I cried, unable to restrain my tears, feeling grateful that I have such a wonderful husband, thinking about how well Mr. C takes care of me – and always has. My love for him is deeply rooted! I was unable to read too many of the emails, because it made my heart ache with too much joy – with too much love for him. Regardless, of whatever we encountered during the early years, Mr. C’s love for me has never ceased, nor has mine for him. We’ve grown stronger. I’m so glad that I have enjoyed my life with him for so many years. We’ve come such a long ways! We’ve suffered – we’ve endured – we’ve survived. We have also experienced great loss and much gain. We have experienced trust and freedom. And, we have greatly loved each other, unconditionally, through the good times and the bad!
Tuesday, August 4, 1998 (Paragraph from an email from Mr. C to Mia)
I love you so much it hurts sometimes. It’s like I can feel your joy and your pain. That’s the way I always imagined being in love to be! I want to be with you always! And please remember that I always have my eyes open and I see exactly what I’m “getting myself into!” No matter what I will still love you and I will always be there for you! Love, Mr. C
Friday, July 24, 1998 (words from an email from Mia to Mr. C) 8:06 a.m.
I fall more deeply in love with you, with every luscious word your lips speak. I truly love your emails…they make me warm…..and I love it….I think you will like what I’m going to wear tonight on our date.
I’m tired. I went to bed at 3 a.m. I was writing most of the night. It felt wonderful. There is nothing better than to write when the night is dark and silent.
I love you very much!
Smooches! – Mia
His reply – Friday, July 24, 1998 9:08 a.m.
How are you this morning, Hun? I’m having a really hard time waking up today! It’s not that I’m tired, it’s like I never full woke up! I think you have to be awake first before you can be tired – don’t you?
I can’t wait to see you tonight, sexy girl! You really didn’t give me a good idea of what you are going to wear, but I have a feeling that I’m going to like it! Are you ready to be the most beautiful woman in downtown Minneapolis? I know I’m ready to have her holding my hand!
I’ve got to get 100 things done today, but, I’ll talk to you around noon baby!
I love you madly,
I must get going, Henry, It’s late, I’ve been writing to you most of the day, cleaning a bit here and there, in between paragraphs of this letter. Thanks for sharing the day with me. I love this connection.
“In the realm of love all things are possible. To the devout lover nothing is impossible. For him or her, the important thing is – to love. Such individuals do not fall in love, they simply love.” –Henry Miller, Sextet
(Photo taken by Mr. C)